Prologue
LILY - AGE 18
I don’t thinkI’ve ever been this nervous to talk to Parker. Everything with him is always so easy, except this. Because I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to tell him. Maybe I don’t have to. I could throw this whole idea away and stay in Amity like we talked about.
But what if I regret it? It would be worse if I stayed and ended up resenting Parker because of my own decision not to go. Who says this has to be the end anyway? On the other hand, I also don’t want to hold him back if he wants to find someone else.
I don’t want anyone else, though. I just want him.
We’re laying in his truck bed in the middle of nowhere like we always do. The sky above us is fading from light to dark blue, and I think about putting this off, but I shouldn’t. I leave in a little under a week for college. I need to tell him.
I’ve tried and failed to bring it up so many times over the summer, but it’s never seemed like a good time. And then I put it off a little longer. That just happened over and over as I tried tohave the best summer with him. We didn’t talk about the future much, but we have before. And I’m about to disrupt the plan we had.
“I wanted to talk to you about something,” I finally manage to say, though my throat already feels dry.
I can tell he knows something is wrong. I’m never serious, I know this. Everything with us is usually fun. I wish this could be fun too. “What is it, Lil?”
I internally debate if I can change my mind again or put this off. Maybe I don’t have to say anything. Or maybe I could leave in the dead of night. That would be easier than this. Just let us have a few more perfect days and then leave without a trace.
The thought is tempting, but I know I can’t do that. I sit up to look at him, trying not to show how nervous I am. How much I don’t want to do this, but I have to. I hardly notice the tears starting to form in my eyes until my vision starts to blur, and he pulls me into his arms.
“Baby, talk to me,” he pleads.
I do everything I can to busy my hands; I can do this. I can tell him. Even if it’s about to shatter the vision I know he’s had of us. Either I tell him or I change my entire plan. Without convincing myself to wait another day I blurt it out. “I decided to go away for college,” I murmur.
He hesitates for just a second before replying, “What do you mean? I thought you were going to stay here?”
“I was, I just…” I sigh; I can’t look at him because seeing the sadness in his eyes is breaking me even more. “I want to see more than just this place, Parker. I want to see what else could be out there for me.”
“Out there foryou.Not for us.”
I instantly regret my word choice because that’s not necessarily what I meant, but I ask the question I already know the answer to. “If I asked you to come, would you?”
“Well, you didn’t, so it doesn’t matter either way.”
He won’t look at me, and the tears I’ve been trying to control start to fall. Especially when he mumbles, “We should go home.”
I reach for his hand, exhaling, “Parker,” but he pulls it away and I close my eyes to stop a complete downpour.
“Don’t. You made your decision.”
I almost tell him that I knew he wouldn’t come with even if I asked him. It’s not that I don’t want him to come with me, but Amity is his home. It always will be. It’s my home too, but I want to see more of the world before I settle in it.
I don’t get to say any of that because he’s getting out of the truck bed and just stands there. I know he’s waiting for me to get out too. So I do.
“Parker,” I squeak out weakly, but he doesn’t acknowledge me, just shuts the truck’s tailgate and walks around to the front seat.
I wipe the tears away as I join him. Neither of us say anything on the drive. I fight with myself the entire time if I should say I don’t mean it and I’m actually going to stay. Theexact fight I’ve been having all summer, and it turns out the same. It’s what has led me to this very moment anyway.
When he parks the truck outside my house, I break the silence between us. “Are you going to walk me in?”Like you always do.
He shakes his head and still won’t look at me. “I’ll talk to you later.”
I get out of the truck, and my sadness is starting to be replaced by annoyance. Before I close the door, I say one more thing, “I would think you’d want more for me too.”
As I walk up to the front door, I think about how ridiculous that was. Obviously, he does, he’s upset and so am I. I should run back out there, but I hear him drive away. And that’s when I fully break down in sobs.
I tossedand turned all night, wanting to pretend like yesterday wasn’t real. But it’s a new day and I’m hoping that maybe we can still enjoy it, along with the couple more we have left before I have to leave. I text him something that would usually have him laughing after peaking outside to see my neighbor talking to the poor mailman who always gets caught in her trap but is too nice to say anything.