“Jo...” His voice cracks. His hands are still in my hair — his fingertips pressing against the back of my head, as though he can’t quite bring himself to let go.
I don’t want him to.
But I need him to.
“We can’t do this, Archer,” I whisper, tears slipping down my face in an endless stream. “Not this way.”
He sucks in a jagged breath.
I reach up and take hold of his wrists, tugging them gently from my nape. I hold on for a few seconds longer than strictly necessary before I release him.
His hands fall limply to his sides.
“I’ve wanted this for so long — longer than I’ve ever wanted anything in my whole life.” I make myself take a step back, even though every atom in my body is screaming at me to stay pressed against his warmth. “But it finally happens and… it’s all wrong. It’s all messed up.We’reall messed up.”
A muscle leaps in his cheek as his jaw locks. He doesn’t speak. Not a single word.
I force myself to go on. “The Archer I want — the one I’ve spent years dreaming about — is a version of you I’m not sure exists anymore. Because that guy? He was a good guy. He never lied to me. He didn’t keep secrets. He didn’t push me away.” I suck in a breath, trying to keep my voice level. “He protected me. He made me laugh. He held me when I was sad. He was my best friend.”
His eyes close and I know he’s holding his emotions on a tight leash.
“That’sthe Archer Reyes I want to kiss,” I murmur softly. “That’s the Archer Reyes who owns my heart. That’s the Archer Reyes I’m desperately in love with.”
A tear slides out beneath his lashes, onto his cheek. He shakes his head, unable to respond.
“If you’re still that guy? Then I’m in. I’m all in.” I reach forward and wipe the droplet off his cheek. He shudders under the featherlight brush of my fingertips. “But if you aren’t… if you can’t be, anymore… then I’m walking away. I have to. Because having half of you would be worse than none at all. ”
His eyes open. They’re almost amber in the starlight. The haze of pain in their depths tells me, even before he speaks, that he’s about to break my heart.
“I can’t give you the answer you’re looking for.” His Adam’s apple bobs. “I can’t be the guy you’re looking for.”
I step back, gasping for breath like I’ve just been sucker-punched. There’s an anvil on my chest, compressing my ribs, flattening my heart to useless pulp.
“I’m sorry,” he tells me, his voice devoid of feeling. “I wish I could explain—”
“Don’t.” The word tastes like blood in my mouth. “Don’t say any more. I’m begging you. Just… don’t.”
I turn and walk into the house, leaving him alone in the dark — along with my mangled, traitorous heart.
Chapter Twenty-Two
ARCHER
I never should’ve kissedher.
There’s a reason people say that ignorance is bliss. For years, I’ve wondered what it would be like to yank her into my arms. To finally,finally, take something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. But as torturous as the not-knowing was…
Knowing is infinitely worse.
Because now that I’ve felt the billowy soft skim of her mouth on mine… now that I’ve experienced the way her curves fit perfectly against my chest… there’s no going back.
I can’t unsee.
I can’t unfeel.
The memory of her is embedded in my DNA, scored into my skin like a hot brand. Kissing Josephine Valentine was like coming up for air in a moment I hadn’t even realized how badly I was drowning. And the second she pulled away from me…
My head slipped back beneath the surface.