She’s right. About all of it.
I have been caustic. I have been pushing her away. Because the truth is, that night — that horrible night, when Linus was dying in my arms — something shifted inside me. That mortal wound in my heart, barely closed after the death of my mother two years ago, broke wide open again. And in its aftermath, the thought of losing anyone else, the idea of going through that kind of grief ever again…
It was too hard to contemplate.
So, I closed myself off from the possibility. I erected walls around myself high enough to keep everyone at arms length.
Your heart can’t get broken if you never let anyone inside it.
How cold that strategy seems now, in the harsh light of day, confronted by the truth from a girl who calls herself my sister. If Mom were alive, she’d kick my ass for being so selfish. The thought alone is enough to make my heart pang with regret and remorse.
“Chloe…” I swallow hard to clear the lump of emotion blocking my airway. “I’m so sorry. Truly. It sounds stupid now, but… I guess I was trying to protect myself somehow by keeping my distance from everyone. I didn’t realize I was hurting you in the process.”
“I understand, E. Really. You’ve gone through some pretty epic changes in the past few months. You’re entitled to a little adjustment time.”
“Still… the last thing I wanted to do was make you feel alone, or like you don’t matter to me. Because that couldn’t be further from the truth.” I blink rapidly to fight the telltale stinging of my eyes. “Having you in my life means so much to me. I’m sorry if I haven’t shown that recently. From this moment on, I’m going to be better.”
“A rainbow of positivity?”
My lips twist in a smirk. “I don’t know about a full rainbow. How about… a grayscale light spectrum of slightly-less-caustic cynicism?”
“Sold!”
Eyes gleaming with amusement, she offers a reconciliatory smile. After a moment, I return it.
“I’d hug you, but…” Her eyes scan me up and down, taking in my dusty riding outfit and mud-caked boots. “You’re gross.”
“Wow.Thanks.”
“What are sisters for if not to hit you with the harsh truths no one else will own up to? Now, come on. It’s fucking freezing out here, I haven’t slept in twenty-four hours, and my buzz has officially worn off.”
I roll my eyes as she leads me toward a side door of the palace, but I can’t deny the smile curling up the corners of my lips. For the first time in weeks, I feel like I’ve taken a clean gulp of air.
Chloeand I part ways at her suite in the North Wing, a massive yawn splitting her face as she shuts the door. I continue down the hall to my own chambers, passing Carter’s along the way. My ears strain to detect any signs of life behind his wall even as I berate myself for listening.
For fuck’s sake. Get it together, stalker.
Quickening my pace, I reach my rooms and shut myself inside. The flip of my lock makes me feel marginally safer from my own unsettling fixation on the adjacent suite.
I shower off the dust and dried sweat from my ride, the scalding hot water turning my pale skin pink. As my hands drift over my body beneath the stream, I close my eyes and, just for one reckless moment, allow myself to imagine they belong to someone else.
Someone with dark messy hair and bright blue eyes that cut straight through me, down to my soul.
My fingers skim a path from my stomach down to the apex of my thighs, slick with water as I begin to touch myself. My spine arches as memories flash through me.
A moonlit greenhouse.
A mouth on mine.
His hands on my neck.
In my hair.
Up my thighs.
At my core.
The sensations are enough to send me stumbling backward into the tiled wall. Heart thundering, knees weak, breaths short.