“No, Ryder.” My stoic mask crumbles as pain shoots through me. My voice cracks on the next words. “I could never hate you.”
He nods, jaw clenched painfully tight.
We’re silent for a long time.
Two fools in an empty bathtub.
We’ve come so far from the kids we used to be, back in Nashville, it’s hard to remember them at all. How young we were. How supremely naive. Facing down our future armed with nothing but love and lyrics.
I look out over the city around us. The rest of the population feels so distant, looking down from these heights. Untouchable. As if the two of us are the only people left on the planet.
Somehow, though, it’s always been that way between us. Like we’re the only ones in the entire world who matter at all. He looks at me, and the rest fades out of focus.
Him and me.
Me and him.
Together in the darkness. Singing in the shadows. Shining brightest in the darkest night. Two constellations bound by something so strong, the only word I can use to describe it isfate.
I glance over and find him already studying me. Every plane of my face, every tiny asymmetrical imperfection. I gaze back, taking in all his infinitesimal details. I know his features so well, after all this time. Almost better than my own. I’ve seen them twisted into every emotion imaginable, from hate to love to fear to self-loathing. I’ve seen his highest highs, born witness to his lowest lows.
I’ve wanted him and needed him. I’ve scorned him and starved for him. I’ve loved him and hated him. And here, in this moment, at the top of the world, in the depths of despair…
He is still the only person I would wish to have by my side.
Love. Hate. Want. Need.
I look at you, and I feel everything.
* * *
Seconds or minutesor hours pass as we sit there, not speaking. Just…
Feeling.
Seeing.
Being.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, finally breaking the silence between us.
“I wanted to, Ryder. So many times.”
“So why didn’t you?”
“At first, because I didn’t think it would matter. We were fighting. I was leaving. Why would I share that with you? Why would I dredge up something so painful, force that weight onto your shoulders, when it was long-buried?”
“And after we got together?”
“I…” My voice is a hollow shell. “I was scared.”
“Of me?”
“No!” A tear slips from beneath my lashes. “Oflosingyou. It took us so long to get together, so long to finally take the risk, let go of the past, and start again… Can’t you understand how scared I was to drag us back there? To relive all that pain?”
His jaw ticks rhythmically as he fights to control his temper. “I still had a right to know. I had a right to know about—” His voice breaks, and it breaks me in turn. “About our son.”
My tears flow faster. “I know. I’m sorry.”