“I… I’m, um…” I practiced, said the words over and over in the bathroom mirror, rehearsed them with Kristen and Hannah, but now they fail me. Suddenly just coming out and saying “I’m gay” seems impossible.
“Sweetheart, it’s okay. You can tell us any—”
“My parents don’t call me ‘sweetheart,’?” I say, happy to break character.
Kristen huffs and pinches her nose, leaning back in her armchair across from me. “Clarity, I know your parents. They’re going to be on the edge of their seats, concerned and invested inwhat you have to say. I was playingthe part, which you seem to continue to fail to do.”
“Well, just give her a moment to get her bearings,” Hannah tells Kristen from the armchair next to her.
“She’s had like six chances to get her bearings.”
“Well, this is still practice—”
“I’m not ready,” I blurt, wanting them to stop this eerily parent-like bickering. “Maybe it’s the fact that we’re staging it now. Me, coming out in my living room… it’s just too real.”
With both my parents out of the house this afternoon, I decided to invite Kristen and Hannah over to help me rehearse my coming out. I figure going through the motions, finding the right words in advance, might make the moment itself less scary.
After the committee meeting yesterday, Hannah invited me to her parents’ diner to study. It wasn’t until we were halfway there that I registered I’d be meeting her parents. Then her sister showed up and the whole evening was… special. Meeting Hannah’s family, being welcomed by them, inspired me. I appreciate that Hannah has kept our relationship a secret from them, but I realized Iwanther to be able to share more. I want them to know who I am to Hannah, which will only be possible when I reveal the truth about who Hannah is to me to my parents.
Which starts with me coming out.
“Crap,” Kristen mutters when her phone starts to ring, thankfully breaking the silence before I’d have to. She shuffles in her seat to pull it out of her back pocket. “Double crap.”
“What?” Hannah asks. She leans over the arm of her chair to try to see her screen.
Kristen presses the button on the side of her phone, ignoring the call. “It’s Vincent.”
“Why didn’t you answer?” I ask. She never ignores his calls.
She stares at her phone for a second. I assume she’s looking at her lock screen wallpaper, a selfie of her and Vincent from the skate show.
“I just don’t want—”
Her ringtone blares again, the melody filling my living room.
“Hey, babe,” she says, her voice jumping to an octave I’ve never heard before.
Hannah and I catch each other’s eye. She raises her brows, but we both stay quiet.
“I’m with Clarity—well, I’m at Clarity’s house. We’re just hanging out, nothing special,” she says, picking at the lining on the edge of her cushion. “Well, no.” She frowns, her eyes darting to Hannah and then to me. “No, we can’t—well, we’re hanging out. It’s, uh, girls’ day. Girls only,” she says, stumbling through her words.
“What’s he asking?” I whisper.
“No, Vinny, babe, I’m not—We’re about to have dinner with her parents and they’re super strict about boys. I’m sorry. I’ll call you later, okay?”
Her face pinches in a way that makes me uncomfortable. She’s lying to him to cover for the fact that she’s here with meandHannah.
“Okay, bye,” she says, her voice clipped.
Hannah and I stay quiet, watching as Kristen pulls her phone away from her ear and stares at it, like she’s waiting for something to happen.
“All good?” Hannah asks, tentative and slow.
She sucks in a breath and looks up at us, her eyes wide like she might’ve forgotten we’re in the room. “Yeah, everything’s fine. He and Maurice are hanging out and he wanted to see if Clarity and I would come join them…”
The way she trails off leaves Hannah and me wondering if she’s going to say more. But Kristen just sits there, blank, like she doesn’t know where to look or what to say.
“Thank you for covering for me,” I say, though I know it’s not nearly enough.