My heart was pounding in my chest as if it was seconds away from leaping out of my body. “What is all of this?”
“It’s us,” he said, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He walked toward me and nodded toward the ceiling. “Well, at least it’s me speaking to you. There are over three thousand pieces of paper. Three thousand letters that I’d written to you. Three thousand pages of my love for you.”
I picked up a piece of paper from the ground, completely confused by what he was talking about. My eyes skated across the words as tears began to form in my eyes.
January8, 2008
Chick,
Tonight is a hard one. I haven’t been able to sleep. I wanted to call you, but I doubt you still have my number. I wanted to hold you, but I knew I no longer had that right. My mind’sbeen heavy lately, and the only way I’ve been able to slow it down is when I think of you.
I think of your smile. Your laugh. Your dimple. Your kindness.
Every time I’m overwhelmed, I think of your heartbeats.
It always calms the war inside my soul.
I miss you.
I think I always will.
Raine told me you’re happy lately. In turn, so am I.
—Satan
I picked up more letters, my eyes shooting across the pages as if I were an addict in need of my next fix.
February3, 2010
Happy birthday, Chick. I hope it’s one in a million.
—Satan
And another.
July12, 2014
Chick,
I know it’s stupid that I still write these letters, but after all this time, it’s become a routine. It keeps my head clear, and my therapist says anything that keeps my mind on track is something worth keeping around. So I keep crafting my words for you. Only ever for you.
Last night I wanted to dream of your eyes.
I hate that they are fading from my memory.
—Satan
And another...
August31, 2019
Chick,
Last night you told me you hated me at the whiskey party.
I hated that I wanted to tell you that I still loved you. That you still felt like home to me. That the happiest time of my life was when I was in your arms. I can’t blame you for hating me. I’d hate me too for what I’ve done.
But my love for you is still there, sitting strong within my chest.