He sucks in a breath. Whether it’s the soft way I call his name, how I don’t shove him away, or the demons he’s battling in his own head, I can’t tell, but then he exhales roughly.
“You don’t get it,” he tells me. “Icouldn’thurt you. So if we had to do that… I wanted to make sure you were ready for me. That’s why I didthat.”
I need him to be absolutely clear with me. “You’re talking about going down on me, right?”
He looks pained again. “I didn’t ask first?—”
Is that what this is about? His hot and cold flashes, his jealousy toward Maverick, his frequent trips out into the woods alone, his strained erection now, how he doesn’t seem able to accept my flippant offer to return the favor? If so… no matter what, he never took what I wasn’t ready or willing to give, even though we were being forced at the time. That’s always been Chase. I remember, the first time we ever had sex, he made me wait until I was positive I wanted it, then he laid me out, stroking my hair, asking me if I was okay after every couple of centimeters as he slowly worked his dick inside of me?—
Wait.
No.
No.
The first time we had sex—the only time we really had sex—we were well past buzzed, wallowing in grief, and found solace in each other. He still made sure I was with him all the way. That part was easy since I not only initiated the fucking, but I pushed him on his back and rode him with wild abandon like how I offered to do in front of Darryl. That way he’d never doubt that I wanted him… because I do.
I want my twin’s childhood sweetheart.
The man she promised to marry before she died, and the man who worshipped her so much, I was so insanely jealouswhen she told me about how she finally lost her virginity to him after our seventeenth birthday, I picked a random jock from my science class and banged Tony Morello in the locker room during eleventh period.
Chase was always off-limits. Up until the accident, he was Property of Hallie Holden, and there wasn’t even a doubt of that. No what-ifs, no maybes. Hallie loved him so much, and I thought he was a great guy, but even if my competitive nature meant I couldn’t let her experience something as mundane as sex without feeling what it was like for myself, I never for a moment set my sights on Chase.
Until Hallie was gone and, suddenly, there were a hundred maybes and a thousand what-ifs.
I want him, though I shouldn’t, and even knowing he’s the last guy on Earth that I should be propositioning, that doesn’t stop me at all.
“I want to taste you,” I tell him.
He groans. His dick twitches.
I inch closer.
“I want to do what you did to me, to relax me, to make me feel good. Only for you… I want to get on my knees right now and suck your cock.”
How’s that for making myself clear?
“You… you don’t mean that,” he breathes out.
Oh, baby. You have no idea how much I mean it. “It’s okay. If you want this… just close your eyes. Pretend I’m Hallie.”
“Who will you pretend I am?”
Anyone but Chase… and, no. That would be a lie. It’ll be Chase, but there’s no way I can admit that to him.
So, instead, I murmur, “Does it matter?”
“I should say no. I should lie my fucking ass off. But I can’t… so, yeah. It matters.” A tiny furrow forms on his brow, cheeksgone taut. “Is it someone in the Grave?” His right hand flexes, forming a fist. “Is it Tony? What about?—”
He stops short, and a flare of annoyance rushes through me.
Come on, Chase, Ask me what you really want. Ask me if I slept with Maverick during the early days of our journey. Ask me?—
I huff out a breath. “You want the truth? I haven’t been with anyone like this since… fuck. Since?—”
His breath hitches. “Me? In East Jersey?”
I shake my head.