“Serena isn’t here, Chase. She left.”
“What do you mean, ‘left’?” My heart hammers against my ribs. “Is she OK? Is the baby OK?”
Liv’s eyes narrow. “You’d know the answer to both of those questions if you’d stuck around yesterday.”
My throat squeezes shut. The weight of how stupid I’ve been feels like it will crush me. And maybe Liv sees it because something in her face softens. “She’s OK, Chase. Everything is normal with the pregnancy.”
Relief floods my body. I didn’t even know how badly I needed to hear that.
“She wasn’t at the game,” I croak out.
Liv shakes her head. “She’s taken some time off. She’s moving back home for a while.”
My ears ring. It’s like the air has been sucked from my lungs. A sick, cold weight anchors itself in my gut. The same questions keep hitting my thoughts like bullets.Am I too late? Have I lost her for good?It’s what I deserve after the way I reacted yesterday, not to mention the last few months. The thought feels like a shoulder to the gut.
“You really did a number on her, Chase. I know you’ve had your own thing going on, but she’s my friend?—”
“She’s my best friend,” I say hoarsely. “She’s… I love her, Liv. Really love her.”
She raises an eyebrow in question. “Then why are you still standing here?”
“Because I’m the world’s biggest idiot.” I turn to leave as the guilt punches me square in the chest. Serena has always been there for me. Always. She’s dropped everything the second I needed her. And I repaid her by pushing her away and ignoringher messages. By walking away when she was scared and alone and needed me to be there for her. The thought cuts deep.
I don’t remember the drive to Oakwood Ranch. One second, I’m talking to Liv. The next, I’m putting my truck into park outside Mama’s house. The porch light is glowing against the dark. The door is unlocked like it always is, even this late.
Every instinct in me says to keep driving. To get on the highway and not stop until I reach Idaho Springs. Fall to my knees at Serena’s door and tell her how sorry I am. But I know it’s not enough this time. Not after everything I’ve put her through. I need more than words. I need to be the man she and our baby deserve.
I find Mama at the kitchen table with a steaming mug of cocoa, her cardigan wrapped tight around her shoulders like she’s been waiting for me.
“Chase.” She smiles. “I thought you’d still be at The Hay Barn.”
I sink into the chair opposite.“Doesn’t feel like a victory, Mama,” I admit. My voice is still shaky. “I want it to. But my head’s not in it.”
Mama stands and pours me a cup of cocoa, placing the mug in front of me and squeezing my shoulder. “I don’t think that’s it,” she says as she takes her seat once more. “Your head is all the way in, baby. But your heart is the thing you’re holding back.”
I stare down at the table. “Fear of commitment. That’s what people keep telling me.”
She reaches across the table, taking my hand like she did the morning she told me Leanna was dead. “I can’t imagine how it must feel to know your biological parents didn’t want you,Chase. And maybe if my Harry—your dad—hadn’t died when he did, you’d have more trust in the world that people don’t leave. But I love you, and I’m not going anywhere. Neither are Jake or Dylan. We’re your family, and we have been since the day you arrived.”
I swallow and it feels like there’s a rock lodged in my throat. “I know. That’s what eats me up. I feel like I have no right to feel angry or upset about my past because I’ve had the best upbringing anyone could’ve asked for. I love you guys so much.”
“We know. But both things can be true, Chase,” Mama says, echoing something I’d started to consider before Leanna died. “You can be upset and still recognize the good in your world.”
We sit in silence for a while, sipping our cocoa. It’s rich and creamy and tastes like the winter nights of my childhood. The only sound is the ticking of the wall clock and the soft hum of the fridge.
“Serena’s pregnant,” I say. The words still feel unfamiliar, still steal my breath with a fear I can’t name. “She told me yesterday, and I freaked out and walked away.”
“Oh, Chase.” Mama squeezes my hand.
“I thought I was only fun uncle material, Mama. I didn’t think I could have a family without repeating the mistakes my parents made.”
A frown deepens the lines on Mama’s brow. She looks sad and like she’d walk through fire to take my pain away from me. I know she would, too. “We get to choose who we are, Chase. And you can be anyone you want to be. For what it’s worth, I think you’ll be an amazing father. The way you light up every room you walk into. You might not see it, Chase, but you light up the world with joy and fun and love.”
“But what if I mess it up?” I whisper.
Mama leans in. “Love isn’t about being perfect. It’s about choosing to stay. Choosing to show up every day and be therefor the other person. We don’t give up on what we love. Or who we love.” She lets her words sink in for a moment before she continues.“You think your dad and I were good parents? You think we had a damn clue what we were doing with three growing boys and a ranch that barely turned a profit most years? We didn’t.” She smiles softly. “But we kept showing up for you boys and for each other. That’s all love is. Showing up every day.”
I rub a hand over the ache in my shoulder. “You make it sound easy.”