In that moment, I hoped I'd gotten through to her, made her feel my love enough to call off all this shit. It made me feel like I had her back. That thought sat in my chest for a second. Enough to make me believe it. I grabbed her hips tighter, pulling her down into me, trying to hold onto that feeling before it slipped. Before, something in me questioned it. Before I had to think about it too much. Because thinking too long about shitlike this always ruined it. Always exposed something underneath it I didn't want to see. Her body kept moving.
Same rhythm.
Same pace.
Nothing changed. That's when I noticed the way her eyes didn't soften or respond to me the way they used to. Back then, when I asked her something like that, I didn't have to ask twice. It was already there. Now it felt like she gave me the answer because it was expected. I just watched her. Watched the space between what she said and what I felt. Her hands pressed against my chest. Balancing herself. She wasn't holding onto me. She was steadying herself. I shifted under her slightly, adjusting my grip. "I love you," I said, trying to pull her closer and close that space. But it didn't change. “You hear me?" I asked low. She nodded once. Still looking at me. Not "I love you too."
I let my hands fall from her neck to her waist. The room felt different. Something had shifted. Something I couldn't put back. I didn't stop. Just kept moving with her. Let it play out. Her breathing picked up. Her body tensed slightly. Then eased. And just like that, it was over. She slowed down before collapsing on my chest. I grabbed her, wrapping my arms around her waist tight, holding her close to me. Trying to hold on to what was left of us. That's what it felt like. Not intimacy. No connection. Just holding. Like if I held her tight enough, something between us wouldn't slip all the way through my hands. Her body was warm against mine, familiar. The same weight I'd known for years. But it didn't feel the same. Not in a way I could explain.
The sound of us breathing filled the room before turning into snores. Like whatever the world had thrown at us, we madeit back to this bed together. But it just sounded like two people in the same space.
The next morning, I woke up, and I was in bed alone. The space beside me was empty. Sheets cool. Pillow untouched. I sat up and stretched, rubbing my hand down my face before reaching for my phone. I had a few texts from my brothers, but the one from Nia caught my attention. My thumb hovered over it for a second before I opened it."I took the kids to breakfast, so you would have a chance to leave. I don’t wanna confuse them and make them think we're working things out. Last night was a one-off, one last time. Sign the papers, Jules, please don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I meant what I said. Always and forever, but sometimes that don’t mean together."I read the text once. Let every word sit. Let it settle where it needed to. I shook my head, growling low under my breath.
I tried fixing this shit when I knew it was over. That part came clear. I made this shit difficult when I knew this shit was over.
Dragged it.
Pushed it.
Acted like it was something to fight for in the way I understood fighting. But this wasn't that kind of fight. I officially realized that there was no coming back from this. That realization locked something in place. This is where we were now. My chest ached and felt funny in a way it hadn't in a long time. I looked over seeing the papers on the nightstand with a pen on top of them. They hadn't moved. Exactly where she left them. Exactly how she left them. I reached over and snatched them up, flipping through seeing her signature where it had been. Her name sat there clean on the line. No hesitation.
I clicked the pen in my hand, going back and forth with myself. I could just threaten to take custody of my kids and give her no choice but to be with me, but that would be some hoe ass shit. The thought came easy. I could make the situation bend to my needs. But even as it crossed my mind, it didn't sit right. Not with where I was standing in this moment.
It dawned on me that if I really loved Nia like I said I did, I'd do what made her happy. That part didn't come with emotion. I looked at her signature again. Then, at the empty space where mine needed to go. My hand tightened slightly around the pen.
I clicked it once.
Then again.
The sound was loud in the quiet room. I clicked the pen and glided it across the paper, leaving my signature. That was it.
Years.
History.
Everything we built was reduced to ink on paper. I sat there for a second after. Letting the weight of what I just did settle in without reacting to it. Then I set the pen down. Stacked the papers back the way they were.
I got out of the bed. Feet hitting the floor steady. I got dressed. In the same way I always did.
Buttoned up.
Put together.
Controlled.
I didn't look back at the bed. Didn't look for anything in that room. There was nothing left in there for me to hold onto. I walked through the house slower than usual. Taking in the quiet.
The small things.
The way the light came through the window.
The way the kitchen sat clean.
The way everything seemed to have already adjusted to me not being there.
I grabbed my keys off the counter. Phone still in my hand. Text still sitting open. I didn't respond. Didn't need to. I had already answered her. I stepped outside, pulling the door closed behind me. I stood there for a second before walking toward my car. Knowing that when I returned, it would be to visit or pick up my kids. Not to come home.
I opened the car door and paused for a second. I spent years believing I was the center of that house. The foundation. The one everything rested on.