I couldn't afford to disappear anymore.
Not into grief.
Not into silence.
Not into pretending shit would fix itself if I waited long enough.
Whatever kind of man I'd been before, whatever rules I lived by, whatever distance I thought kept people safe, that shit didn't work no more.
And whether I liked it or not,
whether I was ready or not,
I was done being a ghost in my own house.
The next week I was stopping the kids my McDonalds for breakfast before I dropped them off at school. Nia was gone before we got up and breakfast wasn't cooked. I grabbed the food from the drive through window passing it back to the kids before pulling off. The car smelled like grease and syrup. Wrappers rustled in the backseat. The radio played low, something slow and forgettable. I kept my eyes on the road, hands steady on the wheel, doing what needed to be done. "Anyone of y’all talked to your mama this morning?" I questioned glancing at them in the rearview mirror. I already knew the answer. Still asked it. "nope" Juelz said.
"She did text saying let her know what we wanted to eat today." Jezel said making him smack his lips. That tracked. Nia always did just enough not to be accused of leaving. Always made sure the kids were handled, even if she wasn't there to handle them herself. I nodded once, eyes back on the road, jaw tight. She used to be up before all of us, pots clanking, eggs sizzling, coffee brewing. Now it was silence and drive-thru bags.
Nia ass had started pulling this disappearing act more and more during the week.
I didn't say shit about it. Didn't question her about where she was going or why. Part of me didn't want to know. But I noticed, and that was the problem.
Curiosity wasn't panic. It wasn't jealousy either. It was more like noticing a door in your house that used to stay open was starting to stay shut. I thought about how quiet the bed had been when I rolled over and she wasn't there. How the bathroom light was off. How her side of the closet stayed neat now, untouched. No half-open drawers. No rush.
I watched the kids in the mirror as they ate, laughing over something stupid, ketchup on fingers, crumbs on hoodies.They were okay. That mattered. That had to matter more than whatever questions were starting to stack up in my head. Still, It felt like something was shifting under my feet. Not loud or dramatic. Just steady. Like ground settling after a storm.
I tightened my grip on the wheel and kept driving. Some things you don't chase. You wait and see where they land. Deep down, without fully admitting it yet, I knew this wasn't about breakfast or routines or mornings. It was about Nia finding space, and whether or not there was still room for me in it.
After dropping the kids off, I called Nia a few times but she didn't answer. I didn't leave a voicemail or send a text. I wasn't about to chase her. If she wanted to answer, she would. I pulled up at a couple of different spots to see if anybody had got word on Jade yet but shit was still the same, nobody knew where she was. Same answers. Same head shakes. Samenah bruhs. Jade had vanished like she knew exactly when to disappear. That told me more than anything else, she wasn't scared. She was calculating.
I ended up sitting at Velvet with my brothers listening to Juste talking about investing in real estate and some other shit. Velvet smelled like smoke and money. Low lights. Leather booths. The kind of place you came to feel like things were still under control. I leaned back, arms crossed, nodding at the right moments while my head stayed somewhere else. Juste was talking numbers, properties, flips. Pierre chimed in here and there. Noles was half listening, half watching the room.
I was in my phone searching up Jade's social media for any inclination on where the bitch could be. Scrolling. Clicking. Old pictures. New captions that didn't say shit. A filter here. A quote there. Jade knew exactly how to play this. She always had. Jade knew this was how she could get to me by threatening meon some police ass shit. She knew the timing. Knew the pressure I was under. Knew what would make my chest tighten without her even saying a word.
I knew she still held a grudge for me ending shit with her and letting Nia beat her ass. That part never sat right with her. Jade didn't care about losing me. She cared about losing toher. She was fuckin Nash to make me mad and get back at Nia. Petty. Strategic. Loud for no reason. This shit had nothing to do with Nash and everything to do with us. That's what pissed me off the most. She wasn't dragging some random shit into this. She was dragging my past, my marriage, my family, my mistakes.
"Jules, I thought my brudda told you not to get back involved with that hoe on no levels," Noles said, standing over my shoulder, watching me go through her social media.
"Noles get yo duck ass from over my shoulder." I turned around, swatting at him. I didn't even look guilty, nor did I feel like explaining myself. When I turned around Juste and Pierre were lookin directly at me. That stare meant they already knew what lane I was drifting into. "What?" I said defensively.
"Nigga what the fuck I told you?" Juste said.
"Man, y’all got any info on her whereabouts? That's what we need to be discussing." I said, waving him off. Business. Focus. That's what I kept telling myself.
"If we did, we wouldn't tell your ass. Know you wanna fuck the bitch one more time before we send her to meet her baeebbyydaddy." Pierre snorted, making me smack my lips.
"That right there is why you need to stay out of this shit. That smacking your lips gettin offended and shit." Juste said, pointing at me. "You in your feelings bout this hoe still. You gon fuck around and be doing a hundred years fuckin round wit her."
I didn't respond right away. Just leaned back, jaw tight. They thought this was about sex. About temptation. About weakness. "Who said I was fuckin wit the bitch? Where that shit come from? I’m just tryna find this hoe so I don't have to do time." I shot back. Truth sat somewhere in the middle. I didn't want her. I wanted control.
"Yeah, and as soon as you find that hoe, your dick gon end up in her mouth some kinda way. We yo brothers. You can't pull that wool over our eyes." Noles said.
"Ju, I told you we gon handle that shit. stay yo ass out of it. You got bigger shit to deal with," Juste said, staring at me.
That part landed harder than anything else he said.
Bigger shit.