“Good, so we’d need one. If I’m doing this, I’m doing it the right way. We’ll take it slow, and if at any point you feel unsure about something, you let me know,” I tell her.
“Sure,” she says, playing with the hem of my t-shirt she’s wearing.
I grasp her chin and make her look at me. “I’m serious, Andie. You have to know I’d never do anything to make you feel unsafe.” I need her to understand that she’s the one in control of everything we do.
A gentle smile grazes her lips as she looks between my eyes, squeezing my bicep in assurance. “I don’t feel unsafe with you, Noah. Never have.”
My shoulders sag. I didn’t even realize they were coiled with tension until she said those words. All I can do is nod at the trust she’s placingin me.
“What’s next?” she voices, her hand falling back into her lap, and I instantly miss the heat of it.
“No kissing.”
Her brows draw together, not expecting that. “I’m sorry, what?”
I swallow before speaking, “I said we can’t kiss.” It’s clear from her expression that she hates it, and I can’t blame her for that. But I need to establish a safety net for myself. I can’t let it get too far, not more than it needs to.
I grab a kitchen stool and lower myself into it to come eye level with her. “Andie, this needs to be totally physical. You understand that, don’t you?” I say the words even though they burn like acid on my tongue.
She refuses to meet my eyes, her gaze fixed on something visible outside the floor-to-ceiling wall of my apartment. I let her think it through. I realize this is not a small decision to make.
A few minutes later, she nods to herself and seems to conclude her next step. Her head swivels to me, and she opens her mouth. With bated breath, I realize that I desperately want her to agree.
I’m the worst fucking best friend, and there’s noredemption for me.
“I’ll do it.” She shakes her head, correcting herself. “I mean, I won’t do it. I won’t kiss you. I agree to all your terms.”
When those sweet words leave her mouth, I also realize that I don’t fucking care if I can’t redeem myself because sinning with Andie is where my salvation lies.
“Good girl,” I mutter, my voice hoarse.
She squares her shoulders, her arms crossing over her chest. “I have a rule, too.”
My brow cocks at her sassy tone. “I’m listening.”
“You can’t go falling in love with me,” she huffs, her tone dead serious as she blows a rogue lock that slips over her eyes.
I bite on my bottom lip to keep a smile from my face because God, she’s fucking cute with all that sass and attitude, wanting to put me in my place.
I clear my head when she looks at me expectantly, “No danger of that, I assure you.” My hands raise at my sides. The word feels like excessive salt on my tongue, but I can’t let her know how I feel, or she might run the other way.
It’s not a complete lie either. I don’t think I’mcapable of something as complicated and selfless as love. Feelings have never come easy to me. Not like I had a good example growing up. All I feel for her is attraction, which I shouldn’t.
She’s in it for purely physical reasons, too. And there’s no chance in hell she can ever know the thoughts in my head, even if it kills me to hide them all from her.
It’s for the best. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.
“Right,” she whispers, seeming to ponder over something.
Not particularly liking the expression on her face, I stand up and clasp her chin, tilting her head so her vision is filled with nothing but me.
“You should know one thing, Andie,” I begin, my voice low as if I’m letting her in on a secret, “there will be no lovemaking as you so eloquently mentioned earlier. Because I don’t make love, Andie. Ifuck. And Ipromiseto fuck you good,” I whisper, moving closer so my mouth is an inch away from hers, the warm breath blowing lightly on her hair.
I find intense satisfaction when her eyes widen, and pupils dilate. That’s the only expression she should be wearing. I’ll make sure of that.
After pulling herself together, she clears her throat and sticks out her pinky finger. “Deal?”
My gaze flicks between her face and hand, perplexed at her action. When she jerks her chin at her finger, wiggling it in front of me.