There was no answer. Josh was suddenly at my side, putting a comforting hand on my back.
“He was really upset,” Ellie said. “Maybe he went to lie down?”
“I’ll look for him upstairs,” Josh said, striding away.
His boots thudded up the steps while we continued searching the first floor. With every second that passed, my chest tightened. Where could he have gone?
“He was here a minute ago I promise,” Ellie said, panic and fear swimming in her expression. “I didn’t take my eyes off him.”
“I know you didn’t?—”
“Mom,” Maggie yelled from the mudroom.
I darted through the kitchen, and when I found her, she was standing at the back door. And it was wide open.
Chapter 42
Celine
The world got blurry and fear surged through me with enough force to nearly knock me over.
“Julian,” I cried, my heart lodged in my throat.
Josh was by my side, holding me up. Keeping me from swaying. One hand steady on my back, not restraining, but anchoring me.
“We’ll find him,” he said. “I sent the girls upstairs to look under every bed and in every closet, just in case he’s hiding.”
As he spoke, his tone remained calm and soothing. He didn’t rush me and he didn’t bark orders.
“He ran,” I said, looking through the open door. “I should have known. He hasn’t eloped in weeks, and today? Today terrified him. I should have protected him, and I didn’t. And just—” The guilt came sharp and viscous, stabbing into me and drowning me at the same time, my instincts screaming at me that I’d failed him.
A sob overtook me, and I clung to Josh, my tears flowing. I was wasting time and breath crying when I should besearching. It was one more reason to berate myself, yet my body needed to release all this pent-up emotion before I could think clearly.
“He couldn’t have gone too far,” Josh murmured. “I’ll get my coat. We’ll find him. The farm is big but not that big.” He whistled.
“I think Wayne left too,” Maggie said when the dog didn’t immediately appear.
I stumbled to the door, scanning the farm for sight of them, calling my little boy’s name at the top of my lungs.
“I’ll get Nolan,” Josh said gently. “He can help.”
“I’ve got to go.” My baby was out there, alone and in the cold. I had to find him.
“Go,” he said. “I’ll follow your lead.” His words cut through my panic, steadying me.
“I’ll go to the main barn,” I said. “Check the orchard and call me.”
After telling the girls to stay in the house, I darted to the big barn, calling for Julian again, begging the universe for a sign of him.
He wouldn’t run toward anything noisy. He wouldn’t cross water. If he was overloaded, he would have been searching for quiet and familiar. A place he’d been before. I forced my brain to slow, to think like his. He didn’t run randomly; he ran with purpose.
“Julian,” I cried. “It’s Mom. I’m safe. You’re safe. Please come out.”
I paced around the building, looking in every nook and cranny. It wasn’t dark yet, but the sun would set in another hour or so.
“Please,” I cried. Please, baby. “I’m so sorry. I know you’re scared.”
I did another lap, looking for footprints or any other sign.