I’d called work and told them I had a family emergency and needed some time off; I blocked Helen’s number, turned my phone off, and asked the hotel not to let anyone know I was here. I’d not showered, only slept when I passed out, couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten and I’d been hammered the entire week, trying to numb the pain of losing her, but also to stop the self-hatred that ran riot in my body.
Time had no meaning; one minute it was blue skies outside and the next it was dark. I picked up the bottle to have another drink, but it was empty, although I didn’t remember finishing it.
Sighing, I stood, my body feeling too heavy for my legs to hold up. Staggering, I somehow managed to coordinate my movements enough to open the door to my room, stumbling into the hallway.
Using the wall to hold me up, I dragged myself to the lift, pressing the button to open the doors. My eyes were heavy and I let them close for a second until thepingjolted me.
I almost fell inside, my blurred vision struggling to make out the right floor, so I pressed a few buttons, hoping I’d hit the one for the basement bar.
The lift moved, and I almost vomited from the motion, my head falling back against the wall. It opened on a couple of floors, but none were the one I wanted. When it opened a third time and I wasn’t met by the low lights of the bar, I cursed, slamming my fist into the metal wall.
“Jackson?”
A face appeared in front of me, but it was too blurry to make out, but the voice sounded familiar.
I wanted to tell them that I hated my old name being used. Jackson was broken, alone, afraid. Jax was strong, a survivor.Jax had balls of steel. I slumped to the floor as an unexpected laugh exploded from my chest.
“Jesus fucking Christ. Look at the state of you… Shit, you smell like a tramp.”
The unknown person dragged me up while talking, but I didn’t understand what they were saying to me.
“It’s me. Sorry. I’m here, but I can’t come up. I’ve just found my dickhead friend wasted. He can’t even stand up. I’ll make it up to you. How about next week and I’ll do that thing you love… It’s not an excuse. I’d take a picture of him, but I don’t think anyone else needs to see the state he’s in. Fine, be annoyed. You’ll call me. You know you will.”
Then we were moving, spinning, turning upside down. I wasn’t sure, but my stomach didn’t like it. “Stop,” I mumbled.
“We’re not stopping. We’re not stopping until I get you back to your room. Thank God you left your keycard in your pocket so I know what room you’re in, you bloody idiot.”
Suddenly I was lying down, which did not help my stomach. A wave of nausea washed over me and couldn’t hold back, vomiting all over myself.
“Oh, seriously. I should be hooking up with some very hot pussy right now and instead, I have to clean up your vomit. I’ve still not even forgiven you for fucking my mum. Na, fuck this.”
I heard footsteps and the door open, but then I threw up again, my body shaking uncontrollably. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. Do not die on me, Cartwright. Jasper… yes, I know it’s the middle of the fucking night. I need your help. It’s Jackson. He’s off his face. Room 212 in the hotel. No, I don’t know why he’s not at Mum’s, but from the state of the place, he’s been here a while and he looks like he’s been drinking the entire time… thanks. See you soon.”
Hands lifted me, voices complained about having to clean up vomit, someone started to strip off my clothes. I panicked, striking out, trying to stop them.
“Woah, Jax. It’s just Conner and me, Jasper. Calm down. You’re covered in sick, you stink and you need to sober up.”
“No,” I slurred, my tongue feeling too big for my mouth.
“Yes. I’ll fucking sit on you if I have to.”
He tugged at my joggers and I panicked even more, but then I decided I didn’t care anymore. My past had broken me. For years I’d pretended it hadn’t, but here I was, in pieces. Destroyed. I’d lost the woman I loved and probably the job I’d wanted for as long as I could remember. It would probably lose me the friends I had too, so what else could it take? I pulled down my underwear, holding my hands out to my sides. “There, now you know. I’m a fucking monster.”
“For fuck’s sake. Why has he got his cock out, Jas?”
“No idea.”
“I mean, he’s right. That thing is a monster. Oh, my god. He fucked our mum with that.”
“Conner… Seriously, Conner, you know I hate it when you make those gagging noises. Grow the fuck up and get him and his monster cock in the shower before we all end up pregnant.”
“Can’t do that either,” I muttered, but I wasn’t sure if my lips even worked anymore because I was so tired. I just wanted it all to stop.
I tried to open my eyes, but my head hurt so much that I closed them again immediately.
“Finally. I was about to call the hospital again to see if I should bring you in.”
“Jasper?” I muttered, recognising my friend’s voice.