He stepped toward me and I breathed in his aftershave, letting out a silent sigh as my body reacted to his proximity.
Cupping my breasts, Jax ran his fingers over my puckered nipples that were visible through the thin material. Jealousy stabbed in my chest. He could touch all of me, explore me, tease me, let his fingers stray wherever they wanted, never having to worry about the consequences. While I had an entire part of him that was off limits and although I respected his wishes, not understanding why I couldn’t touch him was almost as hard as not touching him.
“I’m sorry you’re struggling, but Jasper’s off to start an amazing new life and we get to celebrate that tonight. Although, I’m still not sure why he had to have it so early. He’s not leaving for two more months.”
“I know, but he’s got so much to do. I think he just wants to get the official goodbyes out of the way.” I stepped out of Jax’s hold, feeling a well of emotion.
“Helen, if there’s something else, you know you can tell me anything.”
Oh, the irony of that statement.
Nodding, I walked to the bedroom door as Jax sat on the bed, slipping his black shirt over his shoulders, the rolled up sleeves showing off his corded forearms.
As I looked on, the voice in my head told me I should be happy with what he was offering me. Be grateful he wanted me at all. That I should learn to live with it because I still got the rest of him, but if I was being honest with myself, I knew it wasn’t enough.
“You want me to wait for you, or are you going to meet me there?” I changed the subject.
“Can you wait like twenty minutes?”
I shook my head. I probably could have, but I needed some space to think.
“Okay, I’ll meet you there, but will you text me when you get there so I’m not worried about you walking on your own?”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s only a few minutes away, but yes, I’ll text you.”
He blew me a kiss, and I turned to walk away, but my frustration kept me firmly fixed. “I’ve still never seen you naked.” When I looked back, Jax’s head was down as he fiddled with the hem of his shirt.
“I know,” he sighed.
“I get the not touching… well, I don’t because you won’t talk to me about it, but I’ll respect it because you’ve asked me to, but I feel like you’re hiding from me. You have me naked and spread out for you whenever you can, but I get this guarded version of you where you’re wearing underwear or under the sheets. I’ve never got to explore you. I don’t get to see you naked and I don’t understand why. It’s really hard to deal with, Jax. It feels like you have a wall up and you won’t let me in… not fully.”
“Helen, I—” Jax’s eyes pleaded as if he knew what was coming.
“I really like you, Jax. I’ve meant it every time I’ve told you that I can see a future with you, but…” I let out a breath, steadying myself internally while I spoke the next words. “I don’t know how to do this if I can’t have all of you.”
He dragged his hand over his face before letting it fall to his side. “If I could give you that part of myself, I would. I promise, but you’re getting more than I’ve ever given anyone.”
“I know and I should be more grateful,” I replied, sounding bitter.
“That’s not what I meant.” He stood up, closing the gap between us but not touching me. “I’m giving you all the pieces of me I have to offer.”
“At least tell me why,” I whispered.
“It would change everything.”
I took his face in my hands, hating how sad he looked. “It won’t change anything.”
“It would change how you see me. I couldn’t bear that.”
“Jax, I think I’m falling for you, but I can’t love three-quarters of you. I want to love all of you.”
“I’ll try. I promise I will. Just give me some time.”
I pressed a kiss to his lips. “I can do that.”
“Thank you.” And with that, his mouth took mine, but I could feel the sadness in every second of that kiss and I knew he was never going to tell me. He was going to take the coward’s way out. I didn’t realise at the time how soon that would happen.
Jax