“Deeks?” He pointed over my shoulder to where the outside benches sat, pressed up against the walls of The Hut. I turned to see Deeks sitting there, clutching a picture as he held it between his parted legs. His chin was to his chest, and all the light and positivity he usually carried around with him was gone.
“I don’t know,” I muttered to myself. Not looking back at Rubin, I patted him on the shoulder, effectively dismissing him and saying my goodbyes without having to say shit. My feet moved on their own, the concern for my brother—the club’s next best thing to Harry—taking over.
He didn’t so much as flinch or look up as I walked closer, even though I knew he could hear the scuffing of my heavy boots over the loose gravel.
The closer I got, the more I could see the despair on his face.
“Deeks?” I said his name carefully, but he didn’t look up. He just kept staring at the picture he was holding at the edges in both hands, his eyes lost in a memory I couldn’t see. “Deeks…”
He looked up at once like he’d been snapped out of a trance, his whole body shifting and forcing him to sit upright, let go of the picture with one hand in an attempt to straighten down his denim cut.
“Sorry, Tucker. Didn’t see you there.” Deeks ran the back of his hand under his nose quickly, sniffing back whatever emotion was clogging his throat.
I frowned instantly.
Shit.
“Have you been… crying?” I asked, careful not to disrespect him or overstep the mark. I may have been the president of the club, but when it came to the history of it all, Deeks was the leader who had never wanted to lead. He wanted to build the empire from bricks and blood. He wanted to protect it by any means necessary. But he had no desire to be in control. He liked being led and offering his two cents whenever the opportunity arose.
Just like Harry, I thought as I watched Deeks fight to regain composure.
“No,” he croaked, clearing his throat soon after and smacking a balled-up fist to his chest.
I sighed heavily. The weight of grief was fucking heavy. It made us weak…. broken boys instead of sadistic beasts.
I moved, dropping down onto the bench next to him and leaning forward so he didn’t have to look at my face, and I didn’t have to look at his and make him uncomfortable. I stared out at the warehouse and buildings we owned, at the empire we’d built, at the yard that was our safe ground, and up at the sky where Pete and Harry were watching over us. Dropping my hands in between my parted legs, I twisted my fingers together and let the silence linger a while before I spoke.
“Jesus, I must be bad,” Deeks muttered roughly, trying to let a hint of laughter in but it came out as a rough squeak of awkwardness.
“You can’t help being ugly, brother.”
“It’s the emotion. The color doesn’t suit me.”
“Nope.” I sighed, tapping a foot to an incredibly slow beat. “Doesn’t suit any of us but we still insist on letting that shit control us these days.”
“Fucking Harry,” Deeks whispered.
“Fucking Harry.” I nodded, watching as a crow flew overhead right on cue. “Always thought he was a funny bastard.”
“Sometimes he was.”
“Sometimes,” I whispered. “Yeah.”
The silence lingered again, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was a beautiful thing to be able to sit with your fellow manand have no need for meaningless words. It was also pretty fucking beautiful to be able to speak from the heart, too. I’d not said enough to the men I’d already lost. I’d made a vow to myself never to let things go unsaid again… if I could help it. Everyone knew I was shit at sticking to vows like that.
“Found this stupid picture earlier,” Deeks said, interrupting my thoughts and holding it out for me. He pushed it over my lap, letting me take it while barely moving my hands. When I looked down, I saw the three of us together in one shot. Deeks, Harry, and me. I was in the middle; my face turned to the side as I protested about something. My face was scrunched up, my eyes tight, but my smile clear. Harry had an arm wrapped around one of my shoulders, Deeks claiming the other. Deeks had feigned a punch to my gut, and Harry just looked smug as shit as he let a smoke hang out from his smiling lips, his middle finger aimed straight at the camera.
You could practically smell the smoke, whiskey, and testosterone. I didn’t remember the picture even being taken, but the feel of Harry’s presence was something I could never forget.
“It doesn’t even mean anything,” Deeks whispered roughly. “It’s not a birthday. It’s not some woman grinding in his lap. It’s just a day like any other day when he was around. That stupid bald head with that ridiculous tattoo up the back of the neck. That smug smile.”
“His eyes,” I found myself saying as I stared into them. “Those fuckers could break even me.”
“Especiallyyou,” Deeks added, forcing me to turn and look at him. Man, I hated seeing someone so usually strong look so fractured.
I reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder,squeezing it tight as I looked into his eyes. “I love you, brother.”
Deeks swallowed, his smile flat but proud as he raised his hand to my shoulder and squeezed it with affection, too. “You’re a good man, Tucker. Probably has something to do with that beautiful woman of yours.”