He glanced at me with an innocence that looked new on him. “I know you don’t need to know. But what if youdidknow. Not just with words. Not just with my side of the story. What if I painted the real picture in your head of the things I’d done, Ayda? The things I will do again. It’s not always to keep the club safe. Sometimes I do these things just because Ican,”he admitted, his face tensing as his last words came out.
“It changes nothing.” I looked down at my hands for a second, my heart hammering in my chest as I let my mind travel back to the night behind Rusty’s, that split second of joy when I saw the light leave Jacob’s eyes before the horror that his own brother had murdered him set in. I didn’t care that Jacob had died, not really, and I hadn’t questioned that. I didn’t wonder whether it made me a bad person or immoral. The same applied to what Drew was asking me now. My love for him eclipsed everything else, and I knew what that would cost me in the end, I just didn’t care. I hadhim.
Drew raised my chin with a single finger. “You’re a different woman to the first time I met you. In the space of a few months, everything you once thought would turn you green now makes you turn a blind eye. But you’re happier. I see that. I feel the weight of it, too, Ayda. I never want you to go back to being that tired, down and out woman who I took advantage of. I only ever want to do right by you. Even if this life has changed everything when you say it changes nothing. I just can’t deny who I sometimes am anymore. I can’t pretend to be that good guy. I’m too fucked up, too beaten and scarred, with too many wires wired-up wrong in my head to be that.I can’t pretend anymore. I need you by my side, not waiting for me to get home covered in blood on a night. I’m not good when you’re not around.”
I smiled at him. After everything he’d just said, he probably thought I was insane, but it felt like the right thing to do, and I couldn’t have stopped myself if I’d wanted to.
“When I say it changes nothing, I mean it doesn’t change the way I love you. How visceral and deeply I love you. Of course I’ve changed. So have you. That’s what love does. I just wish you knew that didn’t mean that my expectations will grow into something unrealistic. I know who you are, and I know who I’m becoming. I like who I am now, and if you need me out there by your side, that’s where I’ll be. The difference between who I am now, and who I was when you met me is the way I see the world. I’m just not blind to the darkness now, and that’s liberating.”
Drew’s eyes continued to search mine, his lips twitching as he held back a weak smile.
“One question…”
“Hit me,” I said boldly.
He pushed his lips to mine, breathing into my mouth. “What the fuck does visceral mean?”
I laughed against his lips. “It means soul deep, but I think the Webster’s guy would probably slap my wrists.”
“So, you love me soul deep and deeply? That’s deep, darlin’.”
“Deeper than deep, asshole.” I chuckled and almost jumped when someone pushed through the swinging doors. A younger woman set the two coffees on the table and mumbled about coming back before she disappeared through the doors again. “I think we made her blush.”
“Good job she didn’t get here two seconds later.” Drew reached around to give my ass a squeeze, pulling me closer. “I was just about to get all dick-deep with my promises of what I wanted to do to you so badly right now.”
“How about you tell me before she gets back?”
“I viscerally think that’s a bad idea. Wait. Did I say that wrong?”
I laughed and brushed my lips over the shell of his ear before whispering the next words to him. “Don’t really care. After your dick-deep comment, I’m viscerally thinking about you fucking me on your bike.”
His lips parted, and he blew out a slow, tortured breath. “That’s… visceral.” Drew’s fingers dug into my ass cheek harder, his fingers barely moving against my skin but somehow making promises he didn’t need to verbalize. “Drink your coffee. Order your food. Then leave the rest to me.”
Every inch of me seemed to burst to life as the promise of what was to come washed over me. My skin pebbled under his fingers and that ache that always started in my lower abdomen when he made advances like this, flared to life.
“Let’s get our food to go.”
Chapter Fourteen
DREW
The sun was setting as we rode back to Babylon. Ayda’s arms circled my waist, her head resting against my back and her body relaxing into mine. She was sated, and so was I. With one hand controlling the bike, the other was wrapped around her joined hands, my thumb dusting over the skin.
I took the long route home, weaving carefully along the long and winding roads for as long as possible. My chin was tilted toward the dying sun, and my eyes narrowed behind my dark shades as I got lost in my own thoughts and let the wind drift through the hair on my head and face. If I could have held her this way for eternity and stayed out on the open road for the rest of my life, I would have.
With her at my back, I could lead us to happiness eventually. I knew I could. I had to.
After we’d screwed out in the open air, Ayda had fallen against my chest, curled herself into me and begged for us not to go back to The Hut. All our problems were there. We’d gotten into such a fucking mess.
The Emps.
The Navs.
Harry.
Cancer, murders, and innocent people paying the price for their guilty associations. We had a mayor who wanted us out of Babylon, of that I was damn sure. The ATF were circling. My father was back, making his intentions seem good, unable to fully convince me that he wasn’t here for selfish reasons. Hound Whores were talking, saying we were losing control. My own men looked at me like it was Pete Part Two all over again, a working title, which they’d probably want to callThe President Who Didn’t Know How to Lead.
I didn’t know where to start piecing everything back together and making some sort of security and peace among us all again.