“I see. Was this anotherperformance?”
Of course I told Melissa all about the fake dating Danika and I are doing. She helped me make sense of it in its early stages. But now it’s hitting a point where I’m not sure what’s real and what’s fake.
“It wasn’t. We were messing around and then she kissed me.”
Melissa hums on the other side of the phone, encouraging me to continue talking through the situation.
“And it was really fucking nice, to tell you the truth. But I stopped it.”
“You stopped it?”
“Yes.”
“How come?”
It’s a very good question. A question I’ve been asking myself since it happened. Danika was soft beneath me. She moaned in my ear. Her touch lit me on fire. But I held myself back.
“We haven’t agreed to anything beyond a fake relationship. I don’t want her to think I’m taking advantage of the situation.”
“But you said she kissed you first.”
“Yes.”
“So, wouldn’t you think that was her opening the door for something more? Something she’s comfortable with?”
“That’s just it, though. I don’t know ifshe’scomfortable or if it’s the situation that’s comfortable. We’ve kissed before. Last year. And when we were younger. So we are familiar with each other in that way. But those times were different. The circumstances were different. There were no stakes.”
“And now there are stakes?”
“Yes.”
“What kind of stakes?”
I sigh, running my hand down my face. “Well, for one thing, we live together. I don’t want her to think that shehasto keep me happy in order to maintain her room and board.” Melissa hums so I continue. “And also, she’s from a deeply broken household. I don’t know every detail but I know her father is an angry, violent man and I know she’s fought tooth and nail to pull herself out of that environment. She rarely goes home to visit her parents. She hates spending time in her childhood home.”
“So, it seems like Danika’s independence is a huge part of her character.”
“Absolutely.”
“Have you connected that at all to your feelings of abandonment from your mother’s leaving?”
I blink a few times. “I haven’t. Not until just now.”
Melissa chuckles. “Well, what do you think?”
I think for a moment. It makes sense. Danika is fiercely independent. She can and will do anything she needs to do on her own. When Melissa and I have spoken before, we’ve talked about how I have a deep-rooted fear of being left behind since my mother left us when we were just kids. I was forced to grow up much sooner than I should have, especially after dad was injured.
Ever since then and especially after starting these sessions with Melissa, I’ve come to realize that I need people to need me, otherwise I feel aimless. Lost.
I need Danika to need me. Because I need her.
“If she leaves me one day, if this whole thing ends, I’ll be alone again."
“Is that such a bad thing? You’ve been doing quite well for yourself thus far. You supported your family through tragedy, you’re working on a degree that’ll earn you your dream career, all things said you seem to be on a great path all by yourself.”
“But I don’t want to be all by myself,” I parrot her words back to her.
“Whatdoyou want?”