“Yes, I know. Mom’s death messed me up too much. I would have failed all my classes and flunked out.” So far, this was going well. I hadn’t needed to use the scripts my therapist had given me, but he’d warned me the conversation might not be what we’d expected. We’d prepared for the worst.
He shifted and rubbed his eyes. “I should have been there. I’ll admit that.” He huffed a quick sigh and peeked at me. “But Iwas grieving too. Every time I came home from a trip, she looked worse. I felt helpless to save her. And here I was, working alongside medical professionals every day.” He pursed his lips. “Learning about breakthroughs and medical trials that saved other mothers with breast cancer, the wives of my damn colleagues.” His lips curled for a beat. “But nothing worked for your mother. Not a goddamn thing. She always ended up in the control group where the side effects were too severe, or did nothing at all.” With a growl, he said, “Fuck.” He clenched his hands into fists.
“Dad…” I had known none of this. If only we’d been able to talk then. Her death should have made us closer, but we’d grown further apart.
“No, let me finish.” He held his palm to me, and as his gaze met mine, it glistened. “You look so much like her. You share so many mannerisms. Did you know that?”
“I…you’ve told me that before.” But not for a very long time. An ache threaded through my heart. She lived inside me.
“So, when you accused me of those awful things the other day, it felt like she was speaking out through you from the grave to accuse me of—” His breath hitched. “Fuck. I need a moment.” He rose and paced into the hallway, rubbing his eyes.
Taking a deep breath, I focused on Tex. “I don’t know what to say.” I’d been so consumed with my own unhealthy resentment that I’d never considered what Dad had gone through.
“Then say nothing at all, just listen.” Tex kissed my cheek. “Maybe after listening, it’ll be easier to meet him halfway to reconnect.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” I swallowed a lump climbing my throat. I could do that—listen.
Dad strolled into the room again and returned to his seat. “I’m sorry I left you to handle everything. I’m really fucking sorry I wasn’t there the night she died. I can’t tell you how much I regret that. The conference I was at in Hawaii, it was for a new breast cancer treatment that included fewer drugs, and Ithought…” His jaw muscle bulged. “It didn’t matter. I should have been home with you. By then, it was too late for her. I was the adult.”
“You can’t fault yourself for having hope, Dad.” I blinked back the blurriness in my eyes. Maybe he’d shied from facing the reality of the situation. Would he be open to getting help? “Dad, what if we worked through what happened together? I’m, uh, I’m seeing a therapist to work through it. I’d developed some bad habits.” I’d leave it there.
With a slow nod, he said, “Yes, it might be time for me to seek therapy. My drinking might be a little excessive.” He choked on a laugh. “Hell, even my poker buddies mentioned it on Thanksgiving.”
Okay, but he didn’t say he’d get therapywithme. Though did it matter if he were getting help? I glanced at Tex. He’d been quiet through all of this. What was he thinking?
Tex leaned in close and whispered in my ear. “Do you want to talk to him about us?”
With a nod, I said, “Dad, I accept your apology. You, uh, did the best you could, I guess.” If I were to reduce my resentment of him, I had to forgive him. Even if I didn’t fully feel forgiveness in my heart, it was important to say it. It had to start somewhere.
“I don’t think I deserve that, but I’ll take it.” He leaned forward, rested his elbows on his thighs, and threaded his fingers together.
“We have to talk about my relationship with Tex, and maybe your views on queer people.” I gripped Tex’s hand tighter as my chest constricted. This might be harder to discuss than Mom’s death.
“Yeah? What about it?” He straightened, studying us. “It’s a shock. Having a gay kid only happens to other people, not me.” He ground his teeth. “Did your mother know?”
Shaking my head, I said, “No, I didn’t fully realize it myself until after she died.” There’d been hints of it during high school,boys I’d dwelled on a little too much, but I hadn’t acted on it. “And I’m not gay, Dad.”
“I am, though.” Tex raised his hand. “And I’m here to tell you, it doesn’t happentoyou. It’s just one of those complex human traits, like being smart in school or good at football.” With a soft grin, he brushed a lock of bang from my forehead. “In Colton’s case, he’s attracted to men and women. In my case, I’m only attracted to men.”
Dad narrowed his eyes. “So, I’m just supposed to accept that my son likes…” He cringed. “Doing sexual things with men.” He averted his gaze. “I’ll tell you what, if it’s genetic, he didn’t get it from me.”
“Dad, it’s more than that.” Jesus fuck, what was his problem? Was he bisexual too and hiding it behind homophobia? “I love Tex. We have an emotional connection.”
“Yeah, okay.” He hung his head and blew a long exhale. “It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it. I’ve…” Biting his lip, he peered at me.
“You’ve always made derogatory comments about gay people. Yeah, I know. I heard it and it made me afraid to tell you.” I shifted closer to Tex’s side, his warmth giving me strength. “That has to stop.”
He nodded. “I know. I spoke only in jest, but I understand how it could hurt.” He squirmed in his chair. “But how was I supposed to know you were queer if you never told me?”
I stared at him. I was fast realizing that Dad had a pattern of first blaming the other person for his wrongs before accepting ownership of them. Straightening my spine, I said, “How was I supposed to tell you while my mother was dying, you were traveling and when you were home, you were making bigoted jokes?”
He flinched, twisting his water bottle in his lap. “I guess it was a catch twenty-two, huh?” As he shifted his attention to Tex, he said, “How did your father handle it? He knows about you, right?”
Slipping an arm around my shoulders, Tex said, “Yeah, he knows. My father took longer to accept it than my mom.” He flashed a quick grin. “But my mom said she knew I was gay all along. My dad didn’t.” He twisted his lips and glanced toward the patio window for a moment, as if thinking of what to say next. “Look, my parents have always been supportive of me. They’ve been my rock. Without their support, I couldn’t have achieved what I have, readying for the combine and the draft.”
“Have people bullied you, being a gay football player?” Dad crossed his arms on his chest and leaned back in his chair.
“A little, yeah. But having the support of your parents builds confidence, and that confidence gave me the strength to pay no mind to the haters. They can’t really hurt you if you don’t let them and bullies learn that pretty quick.” He turned his gaze on me. “Colton here is gaining his confidence through therapy right now. It sure would help if you gave him your support.” He smirked. “Of course, if anyone ever bullied him, they’d have to deal with me, and I’m not exactly a small guy.” He planted a kiss on my cheek.