“Doyouforgive yourself?” he asked.
Alissa didn’t have an answer to that question. She had felt remorse immediately after taking their lives, and their faces sometimes haunted her nightmares. She hadn’t been plagued by guilt since then because she had mostly avoided thinking about them. However, with Ronin’s sudden death, brought on by whatever illness claimed him, her perspective changed. His passing made her confront the idea that she was responsible for two bodies decomposing beneath Heldraine’s soil.
Alissa’s silence spoke for her. She asked him something else instead.
“What if I have to take more lives at the end of this?” She took a deep breath. “I know I would do anything for Dhalia. I just don’t know if I’m ready to kill again.”
“If it comes to that, I will take them for you so you don’t have to bear the burden of killing anyone else.”
Eldric had said that so casually and with such conviction that Alissa had the impression he couldn’t ever comprehend the impact his words had on her. It was the most beautiful thing anyone had said to her.
“And who takes the burden fromyou, Van Myr?”
“I’d rather carry it all on my shoulders than watch you carry it on yours,” he whispered.
The truth of his words warmed her heart with a newfound emotion. She chewed on her bottom lip, and his gaze instinctively followed. Her cheeks flushed, her breath caught in her throat as she met his eyes.
“You are a great mother, you know?” he said, breaking the moment.
Alissa was instantly brought back to the times she had left Dhalia alone at the cabin to hunt, the countless times she had denied the girl attention, too overwhelmed by the responsibility of being a single mother. The times when she had been curt to the child because exhaustion wiped away any ounce of patience she had left. Alissa acknowledged she hadn’t been the best mother she could have been, and maybe, when her daughter was gone, she would pay the price for it.
“I don’t think I am.”
“I don’t need to have seen you as a mother to know that you are.” His hand traveled to her cheek, his thumb gently rubbing her skin. “If you weren’t, you wouldn’t have come all this way for her.”
It felt immensely comforting to hear the words she had so desperately needed. “Do you think she’ll remember me?” Her voice wavered with emotion.
“Of course she will.”
“It’s been over two months now, Van Myr. We still haven’t reached the capital. I’m worried I won’t be back in time, and all this will have been in vain.” Her eyes swam with tears at the thought.
Alissa usually hid her true feelings from others, but Eldric could see the truth behind her shell. He could see the chaos of emotions that flooded her heart and how much she hurt every single day.
He wiped a tear sliding down her cheek. “Don’t you ever think any of this is in vain. If it gives you at least the slightest of chances of saving your daughter, it will always have been worth it.”
She held his statement in her heart so that she wouldn’t question herself and her choices again.
“It’s so hard to keep my hopes up when everything seems so impossible,” Alissa said, her tears falling more heavily as she moved closer to him. Resting her head on his shoulder the same way he had held her in Nyfrel, she added, “I miss her so much, sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe.”
“Then share this burden with me, Alissa. You are not alone anymore. Trust me, I can handle the pain.” He held her chin between his fingers, forcing her to look at him. “I told you once, and I will say it again—I will doanythingin my power to help you save your daughter.” His voice was so deep, his determination was undeniable.
“Why do you care so much, Van Myr?”
“Because I care aboutyou,” he answered with a smile. Their eyes locked, and the tightness in his chest caught Eldric completely off guard. He sighed, kissing the top of her head and drawing her closer. “By the way, I thought we were beyond using last names with each other,Alissa.”
“We are,Eldric.” She gave a half-smile between the tears. “We sure are.”
Chapter 24
About Time
114 DAYS UNTIL DHALIA’S DEATH DATE.
The first silhouettes of the capital constructions appeared before them. Alissa couldn’t believe that the time she had been waiting for so long had finally come. They had agreed it was best to park the carriage hidden outside the gates of Golheim and walk the rest of the way so as not to draw too much attention to themselves. Desi had parted ways with the rest of the group as she headed to her family home.
“Act as if you have been here before,” Eldric had said, but it was impossible, given that Alissa and Freyah were only witnessing such splendor for the first time in their lives.
Unlike all other landscapes and villages they had seen on their way to the capital, Golheim’s highlights had nothing to do with nature. This city was a masterpiece, one made by human hands rather than divine ones.