Not only a strong, but a good man. Countless times, Desi had seen him donate his own food to the people of Nyfrel, even knowing that giving up his own provisions would make him starve. She had always thought his self-sacrificing nature to be a weakness, but Ronin was a man of justice. He couldn’t just stand by and watch people suffer; he was a patriot who loved Heldraine above all. A man whose life’s purpose had been to fight for the realm with the sole ideal of making the lives of the people easier and better.
He had helped many people with his kindness. Desi only knew how often he did that for her. She stared at him, his dark eyes open in a gaze that would last forever as she knelt by his side on the grassy ground.
Desi would never know Ronin had wished he could stop time whenever they lay entangled and naked in her medical office bed. She remembered the way she strategically rested her head on his chest, hoping the sound of his heartbeat would help ease the guilt.
A heart that beat no more.
She would never know he thought about her constantly and counted the days until he could see her again. Desi would never learn that she had been the only woman he had ever loved and how many times he had dreamed of building a life by her side. To him, she was the love of a lifetime, even though it was never reciprocated.
If only nothing had stood in their way. If only things were different for them.
Death stole all the secrets he held deep inside, kept under lock and key. Death removed the inevitability of Desi discovering the true nature of his feelings for her. Maybe, if she had ever known the truth, things wouldn’t have ended this way.
Desi and Ronin’s relationship started two years earlier when she found an escape from her unbearable solitude and sorrow in his arms. Having him inside her allowed her, at least for a moment, to feel some sense of completeness. Back in those days, Desi felt the shame and the nagging sense of remorse that came with being unfaithful to the man she loved. And yet, she kept watching herself unavoidably crawl back into bed with Ronin time and again because in her mind, this was the only way she could see herself surviving her pathetic new life.
To Desi, their relationship was strictly sexual. Ronin had been a friend, but more than that, he had been a tool. One she took advantage of in order to rebuild herself in the warmth of his touch and the grace of his care. She had always been the one to care for others; would it be such a terrible sin to be taken care of for once?
Desi had used his generosity and benevolence as a fuel to feed her dying soul with some compassion. Now that he was gone, she wondered if any of that still lived inside her.
“I’m sorry, Desi,” Freyah murmured by her side, her hand comfortably lying on Desi’s shoulder. “He seemed to be a good man.”
“He was.” Desi’s hands trembled with the shock of his passing.
“What do you think happened to him?” Alissa asked in sorrow, her hands on her waist.
“I don’t know, but he wasn’t feeling well yesterday. He was probably already sick when he joined us.”
Eldric contemplated the symptoms, trying to retrieve from his memory any illnesses that could explain what happened to Ronin, but nothing came to mind. He ignored that thought and spoke for the first time since the man fell dead.
“We should bury him. Desi, do you know if he had any family we could anonymously inform of his death when we’re in the capital?”
“I don’t.” She realized then how little she knew about the man she had shared a bed with.
“In that case, we must send an anonymous letter to the palace. As a Royal Guard, they should inform his family members of his passing.”
Later that night, when Ronin’s body was buried under the dirt of the soil he lived to protect, a heavy silence fell between them, mourning a man they barely knew. Alissa recited a prayer in hopes of peacefully guiding the man into the next life.
The sadness that had already been a companion of this poor group of people had increased following Ronin’s death. Although Alissa knew nothing about him, his sudden passing shook her in ways she couldn’t fathom. She had entered a state of deep contemplation since it happened, and it was simply too hard to pull herself out of it.
It wasn’t because she cared about him. It might have been related to how his death was a vivid reminder of the fragility of life, a life that left his body in a whisper, with no explanation, no warning. Just gone.
It might have been because her daughter was destined to have the same fate in the near future, or because she relived the guilt for the men she had killed to save Freyah’s life.
“Do you think the crimes that we commit for the sake of our children are forgiven when we cease to exist in this world?” Alissa asked Eldric as they lay on the sleeping mats staring at the stars above hours after Ronin’s passing.
Eldric turned his head to meet her gaze, surprised by the depth of her thoughts. “Ronin was not your fault, Alissa.”
“I know. I’m not talking about him.” She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye.
He studied her for a moment, trying to grasp her meaning, until realization dawned. “The men in the wheat field…”
She nodded.
“They attacked you. You had no other choice,” he said, rolling onto his side to face her more clearly. She looked as anguished as ever, and while he wanted to ease her tension, he knew it came from something beyond his reach. “Besides, if you hadn’t killed them, Iwould have.”
“Still, do you think there’s forgiveness beyond this life for what we did?”
Their eyes finally met through the darkness.