I have to go.
I try to sneak out of bed before he wakes. Slowly, carefully, like maybe if I’m quiet enough, I can disappear without the conversation that’ll rip us both apart.
Not that Caleb’s about to let that happen.
“No,” he murmurs sleepily, and suddenly his arms and legs are tangling around me, wrapping me up tight against him like he can physically hold me here through sheer will.
I sigh and close my eyes. Hate what has to happen now.
I didn’t tell him I planned to do it this way last night, because I was selfish. I wanted what we shared when I climbed into his bed. Ineededit. I’ve felt driven to him like it’s a compulsion inside me—this chemical, undeniable pull I couldn’t fight even if I wanted to—and even now, knowing I need to go,haveto go, it feels like tearing out my guts to try to pull away from his warm, sleepy body.
“I have to go,” I whisper into the dim light. “I was always going to leave the morning of my birthday.”
Caleb suddenly sits upright, eyes wide, fully awake like I’ve just dumped ice water on him.
His hand finds mine immediately. Grips tight. His thumb starts moving against my palm—these little circles. Four of them clockwise, then four counterclockwise. Over and over.
“Let me drive you back to East Texas,” he says.
The circles don’t stop. Four and four and four and four.
It’s almost soothing, except I can feel how hard his hand is shaking.
Yesalmost bursts out of my mouth—a knee-jerk reaction to the way he’s looking at me, like I matter, like I’m worth the drive—but I force it down. Shake my head. Stare at the tangled sheets and his hand gripping mine because I can’t look at his face.
“So you can deliver me to get married to another man?”
I make it as harsh as possible. As ugly as I can. Waiting for him to flinch. To toss my hand back. To call me the names I’ve heard my whole life.Slut. Whore. User.
It’s okay. I understand. I know it wasn’t fair to take what he gave me last night. I didn’t know—would never have guessed—he was a virgin.
It was the best sex of my life.
And it was…him.
I’ve never had sex with anyone who looked into my soul the whole time. Who matched me so perfectly that it felt like finding a missing piece. Who made me feel?—
Stop.
None of that matters now.
I glare at the sheets because I can’t bear to look up and see everything change on Caleb’s face when he realizes I’m nothing special after all. Just another girl who took something she had no right to take.
I’ll just be forever his first, and at least I’ll get that distinction in his memory. So why does my stomach feellike a cramping fist? Why do I need to run away and sob in the bathroom at the thought of what I’m about to lose?
I try to pull away again, but Caleb keeps stubbornly holding my hand.
“If that’s the only way, then yes. I’m driving you to East Texas.” His voice is steady. Certain. “I’d like to meet this Z.”
My head shoots up, mouth dropped wide. I’m already shaking my head. “First thing I have to do as soon as I grab Z is go to the courthouse and marry him. You gonna drive us to the courthouse, too?”
But Caleb’s eyes are steady on mine. Unflinching.
Though his free hand is doing something weird underneath the sheet. I can see the movement. His fingers are tapping in some pattern I can’t quite track. One-two-three-four. One-two-three-four.
Over and over while he stares at me.
“You said so yourself—it’s just a piece of paper.”