“No. I don’t care about finding a boyfriend. The only positive side of dating is maybe I’ll find someone I like more than Emmett.”
Jay’s eyes light up before he masks it. “So youdolike Emmett?”
I let out a long breath. Of course he’s enjoying being right, but I’m in too deep now to backpedal. I’ve already bared my heart to Jay, I might as well keep going. “Yes, okay? Yes, I’ve been in love with Emmett since we met almost four years ago, but he’s dating my best friend. It makes me a terrible person to still feel this way, so if I happen to be set up with someone who I like, then it’s for the best. A large part of the reason I even agreed to these stupid dates in the first place is because Kalani was suspicious about my feelings for Emmett.”
“You’re not a terrible person,” Jay admits, and the sincerity in his voice catches me off guard. “You can’t help who you love, and it’s not like you’re actively trying to break them up so you can have him to yourself.”
“Yeah, but staring at him and daydreaming about him all day isn’t right either.”
Jay grabs my arm and moves me out of the way of a couple who were trying to get a look at the sad triangle painting. I follow him into the next room where there are seating areas in front of large canvases on each wall of the room. I don’t resist when he pulls me onto the bench beside him.
“You obviously don’t want my advice, but you should just tell them how you feel. About how you’re worried you’re drifting apart and that you don’t want to go on those dumb dates anymore. What’s the worst that can happen? At least they’ll get what’s going on with you, and it’ll make you feel better getting it off your chest.”
My pout prompts him to continue. “Didn’t you feel good getting that stuff off your chest when you yelled at Chad?”
The memories from earlier in the night come back to me, and I bite back a smile. “A little . . . okay, a lot. I wish I said more.”
“See! Getting shit off your chest is great. It’ll be a relief once you tell Emi and Kalani what’s going on and don’t have to go on shitty dates with shittier guys.”
I stop fighting my smile. “You were one of those shitty guys.”
Jay’s smile mirrors mine. “And it was a shitty date.”
He’s right, it was a shitty date, but since then I’ve come to find he’s not a terrible guy. Maybe he’s right about being honest too. I should tell my friends how I feel. Kalani and I have been best friends forever, and we’ve been inseparable with Emi since grade nine. They’ll understand . . . right?
“It’s easy to be honest and face confrontation with people who don’t matter. But it’s different when it’s with my friends or about something important. I can yell at Chad the bill-skipping drug dealer because I don’t care about him. I could smush ice cream all over the jerk in the bakery”—I’m talking about Jay and he knows it—“because at the time, you were just some asshole who tried to throw me off a cliff. But when it comes to the important stuff like breaking Arthur’s heart by telling him I don’t want to date him or telling my friends they’re making me feel abandoned, I just can’t do it.”
Jay’s thoughtful for a moment. “Am I still just some asshole that tried to throw you off a cliff?”
“Well, youdiddo that.”
He can’t seem to stop himself from adding, “We were like five feet from the edge, and I was never going to actually throw you. But regardless, am I still that asshole?”
I think about it, and even though I want to say yes, I can’t. Jay makes me laugh. Jay is always there for me. Jay listens to me. Jay brought me to this art exhibit when no one else would.
I shake my head. “I think you’re . . . my friend.”
Jay smiles like the revelation amuses him before growing serious. “Then that means it’ll be harder for you to have an honest conversation about real feelings. That’s what you struggle with, right?” As always, Jay reads me too well and clearly has me all figured out. “So do me. You just need practice getting stuff off your chest.”
I do a double take. “What?”
“Do me. Whatever you think about me that comes to your head, or stuff about me that bothers you. Tell me. Get it off your chest.”
I shake my head. Tell him what I think of him, no holds barred? I’m not sure I’d even know where to start. “I don’t know, Jay. I’ve thought some not nice things about you, and I’d hate for his newfound friendship to end right now in flames.”
He shifts to fully face me on the bench. “Come on. Let me have it, Princess. I can handle it.”
“I don’t know . . .”
“Okay. I’ll go first.”
My stomach dips. “Um . . . I’m not sure that’s a good—”
“When we first met, I thought you were a stuck-up private schooler who thought she was too good for everyone and was too concerned with her image to let loose and have a little fun. I thought you were a snob who didn’t know the how to say ‘thank you,’ and sometimes I still wonder if you have issues with those words.”
“Wow. Tell me how you really feel,” I mutter.
He shakes his head, an unamused laugh escaping. “I thought you were so damn pretty ithurt, because you took one look at me and sneered like the thought of being with me was laughable, like my touch was offensive, like you’d never deign to be seen with me.”