“I feel terrible admitting this, but I didn’t really love Sharleen.”
Mia lifted her face.“What?”
I looked at my hands, the cast covered with colorful scribbles Arne had left.It was easier to tell my story when I wasn’t watching whoever was listening.“I thought it was love.I wouldn’t have proposed if I didn’t think I loved her and she loved me.But it was fast, and once we were together the incompatibilities showed.She wanted to go out all the time.I’d only been at clubs because being alone in my place had driven me nuts.I was ready for quiet nights at home, and she wanted to keep going out to enjoy her status as a WAG.”
Mia cocked her head.“How did you deal with it?”
“I tried to compromise.We’d go out, just not every night.I was pushing myself to stay on the NHL team, which was exhausting, so I was never enough fun for her.On the nights we stayed in, she was bored and restless—she didn’t want to watch TV or read a book or any of the things I liked to do.So eventually I just told her to go out without me.”The peace when I was in the place on my own was nice, but I ended up as lonely married as I had been single.
Mia looked down.“It was kind of like that for Erik and me.He wanted to do things and complained all I did was work or school or take care of Arne and my family.”
I knew how much her family ate up her time.
“Erik and I were all chemistry.We met in class, and I was lonely too.Then I got pregnant and Erik insisted we get married.His parents would have been disappointed if he’d done anything else.We lived with my family, and when Arne came along I had no time or energy for anything.”
I frowned.“Wasn’t he helping with Arne?Or was he working?”
The corner of her mouth quirked.“His idea of being a father didn’t kick in until the kid was old enough to be fun.He had a more traditional division of labor in mind, like his parents had when he was growing up.”
“I’m sorry.”I knew Mia’s big heart, and how she would try to be everything for everyone.She needed a partner who would help carry the load, not leave her to do it all on her own.
To spend time with her, back then, I’d helped with her siblings, gone shopping with her—I hadn’t cared what we were doing as long as it was together.I’d been disappointed that she couldn’t come to a lot of my games, but it gave me an excuse to go straight home.
She shrugged.“Marry in haste… Erik finally got fed up.He wanted to pursue acting in LA, wanted Arne and me to come with him.I was supposed to find a job and I’m not sure what he thought would happen with our son while he was auditioning and I was working.I couldn’t abandon Mom and the kids though, so he left and—” A long sigh.“That was it.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.“You didn’t deserve that.”
“I wasn’t much of a partner.”
“You were raising his kid.And there’s no way he didn’t know about your family before you got married.He wanted you to leave that all behind so he could chase his dreams?”Fuck.It was too much like what had happened with Mia and me.Except I left to support my family, not a dream.Did that make it any better?“You have every right to be pissed with him.”
Her eyes dropped.“I don’t want to damage his relationship with Arne.It already sucks that he hardly sees his dad and I’m so busy all the time.”
I held in angry words.She was busy because her family took advantage of her.Her ex did as well, getting to have a connection with his son because Mia was willing to sacrifice for her kid.
Was I any better?Looking back, our family’s financial situation wasn’t as dire as Mom and Dad had made me believe.If I’d stayed, things would have been tight but we would have survived, since Grandma provided a home for us.
But Mia’s mom would still have needed help.Bruce would have still gotten a DUI.And eventually I’d have had to leave to play hockey.Our dream of her going with me when her siblings were older was a pipe dream.Mia would sacrifice herself over and over again for them.
“I wish your family appreciated you.”
She frowned.“Does yours?”
I considered.“Jess does.Grandma did.Mom and Dad—” I shrugged.“They might have taken me for granted, but not anymore.”
“I envied you, having a sibling like Jess.”
Because Jess always had my back, and who had Mia’s?No one.“I was taking advantage of her, but I’m not going to anymore.Even if it means I pretend to be happy she’s with Alek Denbrowski.”
Mia grinned.“How did that even happen?”
I told her about Jess’s anonymous hookup who turned out to be the last guy she should have slept with, but something real had happened with them.Chemistry that led to more.
We didn’t talk about the kiss again, but I vowed I’d make Mia’s life easier, not more difficult.There wasn’t much I could do.Anything the money I now had could provide—food, care for her mom, house cleaning and upkeep—she’d never accept.All I could do was offer an easy job where she could set her hours and bring her kid if needed, and lend her a car.
Even if I wasn’t getting over her the way I hoped, I wasn’t going to mess things up for her by kissing her again.
In this case, emotions were going to be stronger than chemistry.