She crossed her arms.“We’ll never know.”
“I’d have had to get a job.My tuition was paid by that scholarship, but it wouldn’t have covered living expenses, let alone hockey equipment.Jess got a job so she could keep going to school part-time.I might have had to work more, give up the scholarship anyway.”
She lifted her chin.“And?”
“And Bruce would still have lost his job, and you’d have given up on school to support your family, and you’d never have left that house.Even if I’d stayed here, what would we have done?Dated for eleven years, waiting till there was a time you could make your own life a priority?”
Her cheeks were red and her lips thinned.“And you’d still be supporting your parents, so you wouldn’t be in any position to throw stones.”
“When I came back for Grandma’s funeral, I told them I was cutting them off.I talked to Dad last week.They’re still upset, but I made sure he understood things were changing.They’re never getting that money back and they need to deal.”
Mia’s eyes widened and her posture lost some of its rigidity.“Seriously?”
“I should have done it years ago.It was easier to let it ride or let Jess take care of it.”
She leaned against the counter.“Why now?”
“Punching Alek Denbrowski didn’t just mess up my team’s playoffs.I gave up school, and you, because of what happened eleven years ago.Hockey’s what I’ve got left.I can’t risk that, which means I can no longer avoid things.”
“Like you did back then?”
I ran my left hand through my hair.“I’m sorry that I took the easy way out and hurt you.If I couldn’t stick to my decision after talking to you, maybe it was the wrong decision.I don’t know.I can’t change that now.But I’m trying to improve.”
“For hockey.”She was frowning.
“That’s not the only thing.Hockey won’t last much longer, and I want a life after.Sadly, that means facing up to my problems.”
“And I should do the same?”
I raised my brows.I hadn’t been talking about her, just explaining myself.“I’m not saying that.Your life and your problems are different than mine.I just… I don’t want to be someone making your life harder.I’m sorry.What I did was wrong.Maybe you can understand that I was young, not sure of what was right, and trying to do my best.But it was the worst moment of my life.And if I could, I’d go back and figure out a better way.”
Mia’s arms dropped.She shook her head.“I don’t know what we could have done differently.I tried to think of something.For a long time.It was just a shitty situation.”
“It was.”
“But thank you for the apology.I pictured you with this great life.Leaving me behind, getting your dream, marrying someone who was beautiful and not tied down by family like me.”
Is that really what she’d thought?“It wasn’t like that.Hockey was just one of my dreams.I wanted to go to college and I wanted to be with you.But after everything that happened, hockey was what was left.I’m lucky.I make a lot of money to play a sport.Jess is making sure that money is safe.But it’s not everything.”
Mia leaned against the counter.“Do you want to go back to school?”
Did I?“I don’t know.It won’t be the same.I’m older, and hockey hasn’t made me any smarter.Maybe I will, after I retire, so I don’t go crazy with boredom.”I was frustrated now, when I didn’t have my usual routines.When I retired I’d have to find another way to fill my days.
“Do you want to get married again?”she asked.
No, I wasn’t going to discuss that, not with Mia.“Do you?”
She gave a mocking laugh.“Who would want to take on the baggage that comes with me?My family, Arne… It was a problem for us, and it was for Erik as well.”
“That your husband?”
“My ex, yeah.”
“Where did you meet him?”
She crossed her arms again.“At school.We had a class together.”
What happened?Had she loved him as much as she’d loved me?But Mia turned her back to me to fiddle with the coffeemaker.