We walked to a park ten minutes away and found a picnic table.I wiped off the rain so we could sit down.Arne told me about his day, in detail, and I nodded and encouraged him.Then he ran out of steam and sat for a minute in unexpected quiet.
“You okay, Arne?”
He sighed.“Mom, do you not want me to play hockey?”
I sat back, blindsided by the question.“Why do you say that?”
Arne shrugged a shoulder.“Barney says his mom told you there’s a place in his camp, but you didn’t take it.”
My mind ran in circles.If the place was gone, I didn’t have to decide.How did we not figure out that Barney would tell Arne?Was he going to hate me?How did I tell him we just couldn’t afford it, let alone the possibility of hockey in the fall?
“I’m sorry, sweetie.Barney’s mom just told me last night, and I was trying to see if we could afford it.”
“Oh.”He traced his finger over a knot in the wood on the picnic tabletop.“I guess we can’t, eh?’Cause of the car.”
Oof.I felt terrible, because I hadn’t wanted this even if the car hadn’t broken down.He looked so small, so disappointed.“The car is going to cost a lot, and we need it.I couldn’t get you to the camp without a vehicle.”
His lips twitched and his finger sped up.“What about another time, after the car’s been fixed?”
I wanted to say yes.Or at least maybe.But if I was breaking his heart, I should do it once and get it over with.So he didn’t feel the betrayal years later, like I had today.“I’m not sure when we’ll have the money.It’s very expensive.”
His shoulders drooped and he kept his eyes down.
“But I hear the bell of the ice cream cart.We can afford that.”
“I’m not really hungry for ice cream now.”
My heart broke.Just split in two, and I desperately searched my brain for some way to change that answer.
I couldn’t give him his dream of playing hockey.That was out of my control.And in the big picture, it was a small loss compared to many.But damned if I’d disappoint him again if I could help it.I’d given up my dreams, but Arne wouldn’t be asked to sacrifice his.Not while I had breath in my body.
Justin didn’t message back that I was fired, so the next morning, my mopey kid and I got up and started our day with an equal lack of enthusiasm.
I couldn’t pretend everything was fine and I definitely couldn’t pretend I was feeling okay, but I went through the motions.I made sure Justin didn’t kill himself exercising, that his hand was doing well, and made food for him.When I had nothing else to do, I did numbers in my head.If I’d managed to get a nursing degree, instead of the personal aide certificate I had, my salary would be so much larger and I could spend money on hockey…but that still didn’t give me time.
It was so depressing that I volunteered to do an inventory of the house.Check out what was in the attic and the bedroom closets for the rooms Justin wasn’t occupying.Boxes of old clothes and broken furniture.There were a lot of Christmas decorations, but they were dated now.Would anybody even want them?
At home, Arne was polite but quiet.When I showed him the jersey Justin had let me take for him, his eyes lit up for a moment, and then the expression dropped and he shrugged.
What else could I do?
Justin
After two days of distance, I’d had enough.Mia and I had never fought, not seriously, until the last time, and the wall between us was rubbing against my skin.And fuck, the sadness in her eyes—I couldn’t stand it.
I was angry as well, and I couldn’t let that fester.Not again.She decided that learning I’d committed to New York before talking to her meant the whole breakup was my fault.But looking back?We’d been doomed.
I also had something to make her life a little easier, and I couldn’t resist an opportunity to take some of her burden off those slender shoulders.But she wouldn’t accept anything from me right now.When she showed up in the morning, going to the kitchen as usual, I followed and stood in the doorway.
“It wasn’t all my fault.”I’d accept blame, but not for everything.
She shot me a quick glance.“What isn’t?”The trembling of her hands showed she understood.
“I’m not doing this anymore.I hate arguing, but we need to finish this.”
She whipped around.“Oh we do, do we?”
“What do you think would have happened if I hadn’t left?”