That's when I realize I might've been better off not understanding at all.
Not my will, but Yours.
I suddenly can't stop reading those words again and again.
Not my will, but Yours.
Because this time, there's no way for me to hide. There's no way for me to pretend I don't know why, even though I've always known I owe my second lease in life to God—
A part of me has always resisted reading the Bible, and it's because I've always been scared...
Not my will, but Yours.
If I prayed to Him about Dr. Collington, He would tell me...
Kazeyuki was not His choice but mine, and God, oh God...
It's why for the past two years, I'd pray without ever listening to what He has to say in return, and even now there's a part of me that wishes I could just keep pretending and believing Dr. Collington's lies—
God, I'm sorry.
I'm so, so scared.
I don't know if I can give him up.
A part of me, that part of me that still resists and rebels against the idea of God being in control—it’s telling me to just throw the Bible away and forget everything. That there’s no shame in staying in my comfort zone and keep pretending. That if I want Dr. Collington to stay by my side forever, all I have to do is close my eyes and pretend—
But I can't.
Because His Word is a light I can't unsee, a truth I can't unlearn—
God, I'm so scared.
And even as the fear sends me crashing to my knees, and the pain in my heart starts eating me alive—
Your will, not mine.
I know I have to trust the God who made me live again.
Just please, please help me let him go if he's not Your choice.
Please.
Because I don't think I can do it on my own—
And that's when I hear it.
The moment I surrender everything to Him, I hear footsteps coming down the hallway, and when I open my eyes, I see...
Him.
No, not God, although that would be awesome, buthim,with a small ‘h’.
Him as in Dr. Collington, and he’s walking towards me without the usual grace, andoh God—
A teary laugh escapes me when Dr. Collington, of all people, ends up tripping over empty space.
He slowly comes to a stop in my doorway, and as he gazes down at me with his ashen face, I...