* * *
Three hours into their flight back to New York and Evie still couldn’t sleep. She’d been up most of the night crying. She was glad Dr. Zordetski recommended that she still follow through with her plan to see a therapist when she got back to the city, because she was sure going to need it. Everything that had happened kept replaying in her head over and over, and when she wasn’t thinking about this almost make-believe relationship that she’d finally gotten to share with Zach Pleasant, a relationship that had been circumstantial at best, she was weeping for her parents and her grandparents all over again.
Her recovered memory didn’t just dredge up what happened that night with Melanie in the stairwell; it brought up almost thirty years of repressed pain and trauma. When her alarm had gone off, she felt puffy and parched. She managed to hold it together as she said her goodbyes. She would miss Jesse and Lilah, and Corie too. Nothing could replace the moments she’d shared with Miss Leona in her kitchen. And yes, she would miss Zach.
She had to give him credit. He didn’t make things harder than they had to be. As Jesse was loading their bags into his truck, Zach came out his house in a gray sweat suit and made his way across the cul-de-sac. When he wrapped his arms around her, she knew she had to go. Her true feelings for Zach had never changed and that was a problem. She’d forgive him anything if she looked at that smile too long, and do nothing to really try and heal herself. When she pulled away she knew she was doing the right thing, putting some distance between them again.
“Just text me when you get back to your place. So I know you’re okay,” was all he said. She tried not to think of the look on his face when she glanced at him in the rearview mirror. She tried not to think of the bags under his eyes, proof that he’d had an equally sleepless night.
She held it together when Jesse dropped her and Vega off at the airport, but just after they reached their cruising altitude, Evie felt the tears return to the corners of her eyes. She didn’t make a sound, but for at least an hour, the tears streamed down her face. Luckily Vega was quick with the tissues.
She felt like hell when they walked back through her apartment door, but thank god for Blaire. Her amazing bestie was waiting for them with hot takeout and chilled wine and fresh linens for Vega.
After she cried on Blaire some more, Vega insisted that she try and get some sleep. Evie took a long, hot shower, reminded anew of the fact that she’d chopped most of her hair off—something else to bring up with her therapist—then climbed into her bed that suddenly felt foreign and cold. She knew it would mold back to her body in a few days, but for now she missed the bright yellow sheets from Miss Leona’s guest room. Before she turned off her lights, she plugged in her phone. She’d called Jesse in the Lyft on the way back from the airport so he knew they were home, but she hadn’t reached out to Zach.
She pulled up their text conversation, very careful not to scroll and look much at the texts they’d exchanged when things were different between them. She typed out a simple message.
Home. Heading to bed. Thank you for coming to get me.
She set her phone back on her nightstand and turned off the light, but she heard her cell vibrate before she could close her eyes. She rolled over and looked at the text from Zach.
Anytime. And I mean that. Anytime you need me, Evie. I’m here.
She didn’t reply. She couldn’t. It would start a conversation and at that moment she had nothing left in her to give. Instead she turned on her light and dug the diary Zach had given her out of her carry-on.
January 10
I had no idea how badly I missed him. I have no idea how we go back or how we go forward. I could see myself going back to Charming and being his girl. Maybe even being his wife, but I have no idea how I could ever make Zach Pleasant mine.
That night she slept so deeply she didn’t dream at all.
Chapter 24
Zach thought about hitting the bottle, but he knew he’d enjoy the numbed-out bliss that came from being completely faded for exactly ten minutes before Miss Leona gave him an earful about what he was not going to do as long as she was around. So instead of drinking his sorrows away, he spent every moment he could away from the office, with Steve. He’d take him out for some exercise. Practice the dismount he’d almost taken an L on at the last exhibition, but instead they ended up loafing around the back pasture.
Zach lay in the grass, looking up at the blue sky, wondering how he had fucked things up so badly. Steve joined him, lying on his side a few feet away. It was the first big trick he’d taught the large thoroughbred. Fainting on command.
“Is Steve depressed too?”
Zach lifted his head and saw Jesse standing just outside the fence. Clementine was a few yards away, enjoying the midday break from the office.
“No, he’s just playing dead. Pull up some grass. Join us.”
“I have a meeting in an hour and I’d rather not fuck up this suit.”
“Fair enough.” Zach stood and dusted himself off, then made his way over to the fence. Steve followed, probably wondering when they would get around to actually doing something that wasn’t a sad ride down by the stream. He nudged Zach’s shoulder, then made a move to grab Jesse’s Stetson. His brother jumped out of the way like he was avoiding a grizzly bear.
“He’s not going to bite you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Hold still. Steve.” Zach clicked his tongue twice and lightly tapped his brother’s cheek. His trusty steed leaned over the fence and brushed his big horsey lips on Jesse’s face, then turned away in search of better things to eat.
“See, you survived. What can I do for you?”
Jesse cleared his throat, seeming to recover from Steve’s vicious mauling. “I actually came over here to see what I can do for you.”
“What are you getting at? I don’t need anything.”