I just have to see this through.
What are you seeing through, exactly?
I don’t know. I have no idea.
My throat tightensand I feel some fat tears gathering up weight in the corners of my eyes.
I don’t want to cry ever again.
I need to figure that out.
That’s a lofty goal, boo.
Promise me you’ll take care of yourself
when you get back.
I want you to put you first.
I will.
I am.
In a healthy way. I’m not saying go back
to Kleinman’s or even Dr. Dumbass.
Just, you know. Better.
You know I’m here for you
and so is Big Boobs Brook.
Ilaughout loud alone in the dark. Liz’s sister gave herself that nickname. It’s always funny.
I know.
I glance up and see the outline of Shep standing in the bedroom door. I’m still rattled from my dream and the rawness of my text conversation with Liz, but my pulse cranks up even higher. “Jesus Christ,” I gasp. “You scared the shit out of me.”
“Sorry. I just wanted to come check on you. You okay?” he says. His voice sounds weird in the darkness. Weird to me, like it should be comforting, but something about it isn’t quite hitting the mark. I know why. Because I’m about to lie to him.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just had a nightmare. I didn’t want to wake you up.”
“You want to come back to bed? I don’t have to take Titus out for a few more hours and it’s freezing out here.”
“Sure.” I stand and text Liz back.
I’m going to try and get a little more sleep.
And then I cross the room. I don’t realize I have the blanket wrapped around me still until Shep puts his arm around my shoulder. I expect a kiss or some rugged manly gesture. Shep seems to have a thing for picking me up. I’m relieved when he doesn’t. I know what comes next if he does. He sweeps me up. He touches me. He kisses me. I beg him to fuck me. He does. But I don’t have it in me right now.
I don’t have the energy for the what comes next and the what comes after that. This is when Jason asks me a stupid question and I blow him to shut him up, but Shep kisses the top of my head and leads me over to the bed. He takes the blanket from me, then holds back the covers and waits for me. Titus huffs and moves around like we are disturbing the hell out of his peaceful slumber. Shep tells him to shut up and that makes me laugh a little. My phone vibrates in my hand.
Okay. Get some sleep. Love you!
Love you too.
Iaddfive kissy face emojis. I set my phone on the floor as Shep climbs in on his side of the bed. He’s spooning me before I can roll back over.