“About that—”
His gaze flared. “Do not apologize for that. I deserved it.”
Somehow I managed a nod. I’d been about to do exactly that, even though I didn’t really regret it. Not then and not now. Hehaddeserved it, and it felt really fucking good to stand up for myself.
It just felt like slapping someone in adulthood should come with at least a cursory apology, but what did I know? He’d been the one to pop that particular cherry.
Archer pushed off the wall, stepping closer. The space between us shrank by a foot, lifting the hairs on the back of my neck. His voice was rough when he asked, “If I apologized for that, would you believe me?”
Even a week earlier, I might have answered differently. At any other point on this strange roller coaster since he’d appeared in my life, wewould have ended in a different place, but right now, I was able to meet his eyes unflinchingly and answer with naked honesty.
“Yes.”
His entire frame sank in relief, his eyes falling shut momentarily. When he opened them again, they were blazing. “I wasn’t taught how to apologize, because my entire existence was built to be above reproach. But I am more sorry for what I said to you than anything I’ve done in my entire life.” He settled his hand on his chest, fingers spread. My hand itched to touch his, but that would be kindling in the middle of a wildfire. There’d be no hope of ever putting out the flames. “I haven’t felt right inside since I said it. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I hope someday you feel like I’ve earned it.”
Twin tears tracked silently down my face. “Damn you, Archer,” I whispered shakily.
His brow wrinkled as if he were in pain. “Please don’t cry.”
“I cry over everything,” I told him with a wobbling smile. “Commercials. The movies Gavin makes me watch. A pretty sunset. It doesn’t take much. I swear, I gave birth and my hormones quadrupled, and now there’s no hope of keeping them contained.”
He wanted to reach for me, I could tell in the way he held himself perfectly still. Now I was the cagey one he was trying to coax closer, holding himself carefully so that I wouldn’t run.
The irony was not lost on me.
I brushed my cheeks and let out a deep breath. “You’re forgiven.”
There was no relief on his face. “Why do you still look so sad?”
Because Iwassad. Because it made no sense if I tried to reason through it, and somehow that made me even sadder. I’d followed a pattern to keep my life making sense, and he was the biggest deviation on that path, and I didn’t know what to do about it.
“I have a list,” I blurted out.
“Okay.” He blinked. “What’s on it?”
“The kind of man I can handle having in my life.”
Archer sucked in a quick, sharp breath. “Tell me.”
I licked my dry lips, wiping at my chin. “You have to understand something first. When I met Gavin’s father, he was ... he waseverything. Charming and so handsome that it hurt. He wooed me and said all the right things. His family was wealthy, and so he spoiled me with gifts and extravagant dates. For a few weeks, at least.” I let out a dry laugh. “Pops warned me to be careful. But there was only so much he could do, you know? He was in his late sixties raising a teenager. He did his best, but I thought I was so smart. That I knew exactly who this guy was.”
His jaw was tight, but he listened patiently.
I closed my eyes and let out a heavy sigh. “We dated for two whole months,” I said lightly. “And a couple weeks after I slept with him for the first time, he stopped calling me. Stopped answering my texts. I was the worst sort of cliché, and it’s embarrassing.”
“You were a kid.”
“I was. And I got pregnant after having sex four times.”
He glanced up at the ceiling, then back down at me. “What did he do?”
“Once I tracked him down at baseball practice, he handed me three hundred bucks and told me to take care of it because he didn’t want some bastard kid coming after him in eighteen years.”
His eyes fell shut. “Fucking hell.”
“Pretty much. Pops and I had some hard conversations, but in the end, he left it up to me. He’d support me no matter what. I decided to keep him and used the three hundred bucks to buy a car seat and some diapers.” I glanced at the picture on my desk. “And he’s the best thing I’ve ever done.”
“You never reached out to his father.”