“You could never do to your family what she did to you,” he said next to my ear. “Not for anyone or anything in the world, Remi.”
I clutched his arm as he held me, until the tears ebbed and the truth of what he was saying finally settled into something I could look at with clearer vision.
“I’ve never—” I stopped, trying to swallow against an aching throat. “I’ve never thought about it that way before.”
“I know, sweetheart. You were so young, and I’m thankful you don’t remember her, because it was hard.” His chin wobbled. “It’s hard to love someone when all they care about is destroying their life in pursuit of the thing that’s killing them. But you still love ’em. You never stop.” He cupped my face. “But that’s not what you’re doing. I’d tell you if you were. You have to stop chasing average and safe and small because you think that’s the opposite of what she did. All you’re doing is sacrificing the chance at a damn good life, sweetheart.”
“Ihavea good life, Pops.” I took a handkerchief from his outstretched hand and blew my nose. “I love our life.”
His eyes were sad. “You don’t know what you’re missing, though. I do. I had that with your grandmother, God rest her soul. I wish I’d had eighty more years with her by my side, but even when they were hard, I’d never trade a single day for something less. For something easier.”
“What do you miss most about her?” I whispered.
He sighed heavily but didn’t need to think long before he answered. “I miss everything, bug. I miss telling her about my day and hearing about hers. I miss the look in her eye when she was fixing to argue. Holding her hand at the end of the day.” He brushed a knuckle under his eye. “God, I miss holding her hand more than anything,” he said, voice rough and quiet. “I want a love like that for you. Where something simple is the best part of your world, all because you’ve found the right person.”
A carousel of seemingly simple moments flashed through my mind. Some not-so-simple ones too. I missed Archer. I missed him, and he’d hardly been mine long enough for the feeling to be so monstrously big.
I tried to imagine decades with him, and what it would feel like to have to keep going even after he was gone.
“I wish I’d had more time with her.” I leaned my head on his shoulder and sighed. “It doesn’t seem fair, does it?”
Pops hummed. “Life isn’t fair, bug. Never has been. Never will be. Even the people we think have it easy, they’ve all got a little bit of unfairness about their life too. But that’s the part that gives us hope. We can make different choices, we can do something about how our life turns out, no matter what hand we’re dealt.”
I thought about Archer and the selfishness of his parents. Analise too.
Everyone had their own story. Their own reasons for why they did what they did. All it took was knowing those stories, and you realized how resilient humans are. I wasn’t crushed under the weight of my story, and neither was Archer. Pops had lost a daughter, and lost his wife shortly after, and he was still the best man I’d ever met.
“You did,” I said to him, lifting my head and smiling. “You helped me do the same.”
“I’m trying. Nobody breaks cycles on their own, kiddo. It’s usually with a lot of help from the people they love, the people who give them something to be better for.”
I extricated myself from his arms and sat forward, spearing my hands through my hair with a deep sigh.
“Oh my gosh,morecrying?”
My head lifted, and at the sight of Gavin, wide-eyed at the edge of the family room, I let out a watery laugh. “A little bit.”
His shoulders deflated. “Does this mean we have to talk about what happened now?”
Pops patted me on the back. “I got this one. Come here, kiddo.”
Gavin let out a dramatic exhale as he trudged toward the couch. “Is this gonna be one of those adult talks that I just want to be over?”
“Probably,” Pops answered.
I held open my arms, and Gavin snuggled into my lap. He was almost too big for this. Butalmoststill fit, and I’d hold him close for as long as he’d let me.
“Your mom told me about what happened. It upset you, huh?”
He nodded. “I don’t like it when she’s sad.”
Pops pursed his lips, giving my son a thoughtful nod. “I just made her cry too.”
Gavin’s body went still. “You did?”
“Yup. Said something important, something that needed to be said, and it made us both cry a bit.” He furrowed his brow and studied Gavin’s expression. “Sometimes when you’re having an important conversation with someone you love, the tears just mean you’re feeling something really big.”
Gavin thought about that for a moment. “My teacher said we shouldn’t bottle up our emotions. It’s unhealthy or something.”