“I did.”
“So…?”
I had a feeling he wasn’t gonna let it go until I told him what was really bothering me, and even though it was an irrational thing to say, I found the words coming out anyway as I spun around to face him. “Look, I’m not gay.”
Ollie raised an eyebrow. “I know.”
“Do you? Because it doesn’t feel that way.”
He stopped walking. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m saying is this some kind of game you have with your friends? Try to turn the straight guy?” My anger and confusion combined and kept tumbling out, and I couldn’t make it stop.
“Excuseme?”
“Because if it is, you’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Whoa,” he said, holding up his hands. “When have Ievergiven you the impression tonight that I was hitting on you? Besides paying the bill, which was not a big deal.”
“The guy back there? The one you hugged? He said he saw me with you one night at Fisherman’s Grill before.”
Ollie went to reply, stopped short, and stared at me. “He said what?”
“Why would he think he saw me with you? I know I’ve never been there with you, so what’s the deal, huh? Do I look like someone you used to date? Is that why you invited me out tonight?”
Even with just the lights of the restaurant to illuminate us, I could see that his face had gone ghostly white, and his body was so still that I wasn’t sure if he was still breathing. When he spokeagain, his voice strained barely above a whisper. “No. I didn’t invite you out because you look like someone I dated. I don’t know why Holland would tell you that. I’m sorry if he made you uncomfortable.”
My mouth clamped shut, and I scrubbed a hand over my face. “No, I’m sorry. That was an asshole thing to say. I don’t even know why I said it.”
Ollie stared at me for a long minute, like he was trying to figure out who the hell had taken over my personality, and quite frankly, I was wondering the same thing. Why had I felt the need to bring any of that up? I’d never cared what anyone thought of me before, and it wasn’t like I was bothered over Ollie being gay, or anyone thinking I was, for that matter.
Ollie’s jaw ticked as he unlocked the car, and once we were both inside, he said, “You may find this hard to believe, but gay people have platonic friends too. Not everyone is a sexual target.”
“I know that,” I said in a quiet voice. “I didn’t mean it.”
“Do you have a habit of saying things you don’t mean?”
“Lately I seem to.”
“And why is that?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Automatic defensive reflex, maybe?” he said.
“Yeah. Maybe.”
He sighed and stared out the window. “Look, Reid. I know you’ve got a lot going on right now. There’s probably a lot you don’t understand, stuff you’re still figuring out, but do me a favor. Don’t take it out on the people trying to help you.”
His words struck a chord with me, sending a pang through my chest. “I apologize. I think this was a mistake.”
“What, coming out tonight?”
“I’m just a little…fucked up right now.” Yeah, that wasn’t even the half of it. I was being ridiculous. He knew it, I knewit, and I couldn’t for the life of me understand why. All I knew was that I was entirely too pissed off about that guy Holland, and I was paying way too much attention to Ollie’s mouth, the way he had mine earlier. But I’d meant what I said: I wasn’t gay. Not that I hadn’t noticed Ollie when we’d get our coffee every morning at Joe’s, but how could you help but notice him? He was a big guy. But now I wasn’t so sure that was the only reason.
What the hell is happening to me?
It was dead silent the entire drive to my apartment, one of those uncomfortable silences where you knew you needed to fill it with apologies or explanations, but the words wouldn’t come out. I couldn’t unravel the conflict and chaos warring inside of me. On one hand, I’d enjoyed the night more than I’d ever expected to, and it had more to do with the man beside me than Mike and Deb’s jokes. There was something inherently kind about Ollie, even now, as he patiently deflected the jabs I’d hurled his way. It made me wonder why he bothered with me, and if he ever would again. I wouldn’t blame him for cutting ties and running, though for some inexplicable reason, the thought of never seeing him again sent a blast of panic through me.