I squeezed his hand and stepped away from the bed as they transferred him to the gurney, and as they loaded him up and wheeled him out of the room, Reid’s eyes stayed on mine. I followed along with him as far as I was allowed, but then we came up to a set of doors, and it was time. I brought my fingers up to my lips and he did the same.
And then he was gone.
No, not gone. Temporarily out of sight. He’d come through this better than ever.
He had to.
I was in a daze as I walked out of the emergency room. Had it only been a matter of hours since we’d woken up this morning, Reid lying peacefully next to me? I’d never taken any time with him for granted, wanting to savor every moment in case it was fleeting, but fuck… I’d never actually thought this would happen.
The elevator was empty as I got in. I’d wait with Reid’s parents on the fourth floor. He’d be in and out of surgery—successfully—soon. And then life would get back to the bliss it had been these last few weeks.
There just couldn’t be any other way.
I wouldn’t think of it.
sixteen
I DIDN’T MAKE it to the fourth floor. Instead, I found myself walking out of the elevator, down through the lobby, and out the front doors of the hospital.
I didn’t want to sit in uncomfortable silence with Reid’s parents while they may or may not ask questions that I couldn’t answer. I didn’t want to have to put on a brave face for them so they wouldn’t worry even more that I was a medic and I was panicking. And I didn’t want to read the note Reid had given me with anyone else around.
Rain pounded the pavement, forcing me to stay under the awning of the entryway. Leaning against the wall of windows, I let my head fall back as I gulped in humid air. Part of me wanted to read the note immediately, but the other half knew whatever was inside would probably break me.
Right now, the anesthesiologist was up there giving him the drugs that would put him into a deep sleep. I didn’t know how long the surgery would last or when I’d be able to see him after. I didn’t know if he’d wake up and smile at me, if there would be any complications. I didn’t know anything.
I’d never felt more useless in my life.
The folded note burned a hole in my palm.Read it, you chickenshit.Wasn’t that what Mike had always called me when he teased me about Reid? And now, here I was, with him, but too terrified to open a fucking note.
He’d slap me if he saw me.
Carefully, I unfolded the paper, and written in his neat scrawl on the page he’d torn off was a letter.
Ollie,
I know you’re worried. And maybe I am too.
Strike that. I’m a lot worried. There. I admitted it. I’m fucking terrified, but I was trying not to show you.
It doesn’t seem fair that I’m back here, but we haven’t gone through these last few weeks to give up now.
I just found you. I’m not losing you, and I won’t forget you, no matter what happens.
But if, somehow, the worst-case scenario comes true, I need you to promise me you won’t give up on me.
Help me remember.
Help me find my way back to you.
Love,
Your Bluebird
Misty-eyed, I reread the letter once, twice, a dozen more times. I read it again and again until I had it memorized, and then Ileaned against the windows again and closed my eyes. Even then I saw his words, and once again I felt the sinking dread of an oncoming disaster that I couldn’t stop.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to clear my mind and focus on the positive. That was the only thing I could control right now.
Everything would be fine.