“I wish you were, too,” Pravat says. “Are you going to work tomorrow?”
“I have to. I’m sure to have missed so much. I don’t know how I’m going to make it up.”
“Please don’t run yourself into the ground again. If you do, I’ll get on the next flight and make you wish you didn’t.”
I can’t help but chuckle. It feels foreign. “All right. I’ll be good.”
We don’t disconnect right away, instead talking about Pravat’s painting, and I feel myself relaxing as I listen to the deep cadence of his voice. I must drift off to sleep because the next thing I’m aware of, the afternoon sun is shining brightly onto my bed and the phone lays beside me, the screen dark.
I hoped, after taking a week off, to jump back into the job and make up for the time I missed, but that’s not the way things work out. I can’t concentrate, and every small task I seems monumental. At first, my boss is understanding, but as the days pass and nothing changes, his frustration mounts. When he calls me into his office and suggests I leave the program, it hits me hard. I’ve never failed at anything in my life.
“I’ll do better,” I tell him. “Please, just give me the chance.”
Mr. Gains shakes his head.
“I’m sorry, Rama. You started off well, and I’ve been very impressed with your work. But it’s obvious that something has happened that’s stolen your concentration. Since your illness, you’ve become run-down and distracted. At this point, it’s senseless for you to be here when you aren’t absorbing anything. You need to return to Thailand and work on your physical and mental health. If you wish to intern in the program next year, I’ll save a space for you.”
I can see there’s nothing to say that will change his mind, so I thank him and leave his office. Embarrassed and ashamed, I exit the building without saying goodbye to anyone.
The apartment’s empty when I return, both Pete and Alex still at work. Numb, I change into my swim trunks and go to the pool, swimming laps until I’m so exhausted; I can barely heave myself out of the water. The cold air of the apartment raises goosebumps on my skin, and I take a hot shower before collapsing on my bed for a nap.
When I wake, I decide to cook dinner for all of us. Keeping my mind trained on what I’m doing, I begin preparing Tom kha kai—chicken in coconut soup. By the time Alex walks in the door, the food’s almost ready.
“Something smells delicious,” he says, approaching me at the stove. His blond hair is disheveled, and when I glance out the small window above the sink, I see the sky’s darkened with clouds and the wind’s blowing.
“Storm came up fast. You’re home early,” Alex says. Taking off his wire-framed glasses, he wipes the lenses with his shirt.
“I hope you’re hungry,” I say. “I’ve probably made too much.”
“Starving. And don’t worry, we can eat the leftovers for lunch tomorrow. Pete should be home soon. I’m going to take a shower.”
As I watch him walk down the hall to the bedroom he shares with my cousin, a sharp longing overtakes me. Will I ever have what they do? None of my past relationships have satisfied me. None of the breakups have affected me other than to sting my pride.
Since returning to the apartment that morning, I’ve avoided thinking about what I’m going to do next, but as I remove three bowls from the cabinets, an unexpected spark of anticipation runs through me at the thought of returning home. I can begin preparing for the second season ofMy Doctor, My Love. I can see Pravat. Maybe then my mind will clear of the memories that have been torturing me.
“What are you smiling about?”
Pete’s voice jolts me out of my thoughts, nearly causing me to drop the spoons I’d taken from the drawer. I hadn’t even heard him enter the apartment.
“You look like a drowned cat,” I tease, glancing over his rain-splattered suit.
He cusses at me in Thai, but when I begin ladling the soup into the bowls, he quickly changes his tune.
“Tom kha kai! My favorite.”
Alex appears, and my heart clenches when he sniff-kisses Pete’s cheek. Alex became enamored with the Thai custom after meeting Pete, calling it “sweet.”
It’s Pravat’s face I see when I imagine this type of relationship for myself. I know it’s impossible, but I can’t help what I feel.
I wait until we’re finished eating and washing the dishes to tell them about what happened today.
Pete looks stricken. “I’m sorry, Rama. You must be upset,” he says at the same time Alex says, “Maybe it’s for the best.”
Pete gives Alex an exasperated look. “Uncle Korn is not going to be happy.”
“Rama’s a grown man, and he obviously needs this time off. I’m sure his father will understand.”
“The entire reason Rama took this internship was to please Uncle Korn. Now he has to tell him he’s been thrown out.”