I think that will be it, but just when I’m drifting off to sleep, my phone pings with another text.
I saw Kiet’s photos on Facebook. Did you have fun?
Rolling onto my back, I open Kiet’s Facebook page and stare at the photo he posted of the four of us in front of the restaurant.Somsak and I stand very close together, smiling at the camera. If it were months ago, I would be driving deep inside him right now rather than mooning over someone who could never be anything more to me than a friend.
I start to type out the truth—that I didn’t enjoy myself at all—but stop myself. What good would it do? Sounding pathetic would only make Rama feel sorry for me, and I definitely don’t want that.
Sure. It was nice,I tap out.
Rama doesn’t reply, and as I resume looking out over the river, the yearning I’ve been feeling becomes an ache in my chest.
CHAPTER TWENTY: Rama
What did I expect? That Pravat would never date again? He’s said that dating someone while working causes drama, but he’s free now, so of course he’s seeing someone.
I study the photo, something I hadn’t allowed myself to do all day while at work. Kiet tagged the guy with Pravat, and I see his name is Somsak. The name meansworthy, and I wonder if he is worthy of Pravat. He’s certainly adorable—definitely a word that could never be used to describe me—and he and Pravat look good together. Had Somsak been with Pravat when I’d texted him the night before? An unwanted image of them naked in bed together pops into my head and I throw my phone down. Why am I torturing myself? Pravat and I aren’t a couple. We’ll never be a couple. I wouldn’t even want that. Would I?
I allow myself to imagine what that would be like. Spending all my time with him, sharing private jokes and intimate touches. It doesn’t sound any different from reality. God, I miss being able to hide in his arms when my thoughts become too intense. He never asked me toexplain, just wrapped me in his embrace and held me until I could face the world again.
Tears stinging my eyes, I take an unsteady breath. Here I’ve been thinking distancing myself from Pravat would be good for me, but all I want is to be near him again. I’m finished with trying to figure out what it is I feel for him. All I know is that I miss him.
But when I imagine returning to Thailand to Pravat and his new cute boyfriend, jealousy nearly overwhelms me. Seeing him holding and caring for another man would be the worst kind of torture.
Come on. He went out with somebody. That doesn’t mean they’re boyfriends.
I can’t stop thinking about it, though. When you go out with someone, you usually kiss them at the end of the night. That means Pravat kissed Somsak, and imagining that is torture. I know what it feels like to have those lips on mine. And in Somsak’s case, Pravat would actuallywantto kiss him and wouldn’t just be following director’s orders. I wonder what it might be like for him to kiss me of his own accord. Unscripted. Unwitnessed. His lips would be soft and seeking, his mouth warm. Our tongues would slide together in the way they only barely had during filming.
Before I realize what I’m doing, my hand is in my shorts, the vision of my mouth fused with Pravat’s, his strong hands sliding down my back quickly driving me to climax.
Trembling, my breath coming in short, sharp pants, I lie on the bed until the world rights itself again. I can’t deceive myself anymore. Pravat has become everything to me. I miss him, I want him. Ineveryway. Being attracted to a man isn’t something I ever expected, but I can’t deny what I feel any longer. Fuck, I just jacked off while imagining kissing him. What more of a kick in the pants do I need?
The glaring question is what am I going to do now? We’ll be working together again, and it’ll be like it was before. Only this time, I’ll be dealing with the knowledge of my true feelings for him.
Pravat wouldn’t want me that way. Would he? Imagining telling him how I feel only to see sadness and regret on his face hurts like a knife in the gut. I’d rather go my entire life yearning for him in private than to see that kind of pity in his eyes.
I don’t sleep a wink. When I go to work the following day, my feet are dragging. Even after drinking two cups of coffee, I feel as though my head’s full of sand. My boss scheduled me to sit in meetings until lunch, and it’s a struggle to keep my eyes open. By the time the last conference ends, my eyes feel like sandpaper and my head’s buzzing.
“You okay?” a fellow intern asks when she finds me leaning against the wall by the water cooler, my eyes closed. Embarrassed, I straighten up and smile.
“Yes, I’m fine. Thank you. I couldn’t sleep last night, and I guess it’s catching up to me.”
Reaching into her shoulder bag, she takes out a large can and hands it to me. “Here. This is the strongest energy drink they make. It got me through my final exams. I have several in the fridge in the break room if you need any more.”
“Thanks.” I drink it as I eat a pack of crackers from my desk drawer and go through reports. The next time I look up, two hours have passed and I have a crick in my neck.
I go to the restroom, then seek out another one of those energy drinks in the break room, needing all the pep I can get to finish out the day. By the time I close the last report, my stomach’s queasy.
“You’re not leaving, are you? I was beginning to think you slept here,” Mike, the intern I was partnered with the first couple of weeks,asks me when I start putting away my work. He’s the only person still in the office besides myself.
I look at my watch. Seven-fifteen—a good two hours before I usually quit work in the evenings. “You should talk. You probably won’t leave until dark.”
Chuckling, Mike says, “I can’t if I’m going to beat you for the intern award. Hey, you okay? You look a little unsteady.” He half-rises from his desk to help me get my balance.
Embarrassed, I pull my hand away. “I’m good. I’ve been sitting too long and haven’t eaten much today. I think I’ll head out now and get a bite.”
Waving, I exit the office. On the elevator to the first floor, I look at my phone and see I missed a call from Pete, but I’m waylaid from returning the call when I run into one of the executives in the lobby. The next twenty minutes are spent discussing my recent tour of the factory. By the time I climb into a taxi, I’m completely drained and can’t do anything but lean my head against the window and close my eyes.
Even though I’m exhausted, my heart thumps wildly in my chest. I shouldn’t have had so much caffeine—it always make me feel anxious. I need sleep, but I know I’m too wired to be able to get any.