“Better than it’s ever been before?” I ask, because even though I believe him, a small part of me is still afraid he’ll get tired of me and want to go back to girls.
“I thought you didn’t want to hear about my sexcapades,” he teases, jerking back when I try to hit him. “Seriously, though. Yes. So much better. And I know it’s because it’s you and me.”
“I feel the same,” I say, leaning closer.
We kiss for a long time, until the water grows cold and we have to wash quickly and get out. Then we go back to bed for more sleep.
In the morning, we have an enormous breakfast in the hotel dining room then head down to the beach for more sun and fun.
The whole weekend passes this way—walking and playing on the beach, fucking in our room like there’s no tomorrow. We keep using the condoms because Sud insists, but I’m planning on getting rid of them when we get back to Bangkok.
But as it turns out, by that time, I’m sore as hell and can’t do it at all the entire time Tao and Ford are gone. We do other things, of course, but I want to feel Sud inside me again, and I want to feel him without anything between us.
When I’m finally ready, it’s late at night after a long day. Tao’s out with his girlfriend and Ford’s been asleep for hours.
We’re lying in bed, naked and sweaty, both of us hard.
“No condom,” I tell Sud when we break apart.
“Are you sure?” Sud asks.
“I don’t know why you’re being so resistant. I can’t get pregnant, you know.” I bite his shoulder playfully.
Sud chuckles. “I know. But maybe I should be tested again. It’s been a while. I don’t want to put you in harm’s way. I actually made an appointment for last week but had to cancel it when my professor changed the day of the test.”
My eyes meet his. I’ve been idly rubbing my fingers over Sud’s arm while we talk. “You said you always used condoms.”
“I have. But they’re not one hundred percent.”
I meet his eyes. “When was the last time you…were with someone?” Jealousy surges through me just thinking about it.
Sud hesitates before saying, “About a month after we got to Bangkok.”
I think back, remembering that Sud got together with a girl for a while during our first few months as first-year students. I can’t recall her name and don’t want to recall it. Just the thought of him fucking someone else makes me crazy.
I roll away from him to stare at the wall.
“Noi. I can’t change the past. I never thought this would happen between us.”
“Let’s just go to sleep, okay?” I say. “I’m tired.”
Sud sighs. “That’s unfair. You know, you may worry about me and girls, but I have my own worries, too. I’m your first. That means you may one day want to date other people.”
“I will not!” I say, flipping over so fast, it startles him, and he pulls back.
“You can’t know how you’ll feel in five years.”
Sitting up, I say, “Oh, so this relationship isn’t ‘it’ for you. We’re just a temporary thing, like all your other relationships.”
“Noi.” Sud’s voice turns sharp.
I know I’m being silly and unfair, but I can’t help it. Miserable, I mumble, “I’m sorry.”
We’re silent a few minutes. Sud’s probably angry with him. He’s a mellow guy, but I pushed his limits.
“I really am sorry,” I finally say, this time a little more heart-felt. “I think…I think I’m going to make an appointment with a therapist through the school.”
Leaning against the headboard, Sud opens his arms to me, and I gratefully crawl in.