As I sniffle and try to pull myself together, it doesn’t escape my notice that Sud isn’t asking me for an explanation. I feel his lips move against the side of my head in a kiss, and my heart melts.
You truly are a moron,I tell myself.You know very well how you feel about this man, but you refuse to face it. Instead, you run from it like you do everything else. And, in doing so, you place more of a burden on him. That’s all you’ve ever been—a burden to him and his family.
Easing back and sliding off Sud’s lap and onto the bed, I watch through sore eyes as Sud plucks a few tissues from the box on my nightstand, and rather than hand them to me, begins mopping up my tears himself.
Taking the tissue from him, I say unsteadily, “Stop being so nice to me. I don’t deserve it.”
“That’s not true. You deserve everything good in this life, Noi.”
My face crumples.
“I should have known you’d be like this. You’ve always been so good to me. It’s why—“
“It’s why what?” Sud asks when I don’t continue.
I shake my head and blow my nose, everything too much to put into words.
Sud’s eyes are soft. “Noi, I don’t know what I’ve done to make you think I would stand in the way of your happiness, but please know that if you want to be with P’Wisit, I’m okay with it. You don’t have to hide it from me.”
I make a hoarse, frustrated noise because I’m fucking this up.
Grabbing Sud’s hands, I say, “No! I don’t want that.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t understand.”
Of course he doesn’t, because I’m not making sense.
“I haven’t been seeing P’Wisit after work. All those times I told you I was tired and going home, I was really staying to work with P’Prapha.”
Sud frowns. “What? Why?”
“Because I’m having trouble, Sud. I’m not an actor, and I don’t want to ruin this for you. This series could be the start of the career you’ve always dreamed about, and I want to help make it the best series we can make it. We’re the secondary characters, and we only have so many scenes to shine in!”
Resting his hands on my shoulders, Sud says firmly, “Slow down, Noi.”
Head pounding, I take a deep breath and let it out before saying more slowly, “I keep making mistakes. I’m new and there’s so much I don’t know.”
“So, every night for the past few weeks, you’ve been working with P’Prapha?” He touches the skin under my eyes as though noticing the shadows there for the first time. “What about when you haven’t been here in the morning? I’ve come to see you several times.”
“I sleep at the studio and keep clothes there to change into. Today, I ran out.” I gesture at my wrinkled clothes.
A conflicted look passes over Sud’s face before he pulls me into a tight hug.
“Noi, you’ve got to stop pushing yourself so hard. You are not responsible for my success; do you hear me?”
Swallowing my tears, I say into his shoulder, “It isn’t just for you. I want to make money so I can pay my tuition. I don’t want to take money anymore from people who hate me.”
Sud buries his nose in my hair for a long time, not speaking. Lulled by his breathing, with my face against his soft cotton shirt, I nearly drift off.
“And here I thought that you’re in love with P’Wisit and didn’t want to tell me because I opened my stupid mouth and told you that you’re mine. I thought I’d lost your trust.”
That wakes me up. Struggling out of Sud’s hold, I give him a fierce look. “You are and always will be the person I trust the most in this world, and that will never change. You have to believe me. P’Wisit is just a friend. He knows I have feelings for you. Please forgive me for lying to you about what I was doing. I just didn’t want you to worry, but I made everything worse.”
Sud stares. “Wait, back up. You have feelings for me?”
Oh, did I just blurt that out?
Biting my lip, I nod. I have to face the truth, and I have to be honest with Sud.