How much to tell him? But we were being honest with each other.
“Eh, kind of. I do okay, but it was never the huge success I hoped.”
“Well, my colleague knows who you are. She’s a fan.”
“That’s good to know. But go on.” My tone was brusque, but I was furious with him.
“Honestly, Killian, I haven’t done much. I learnt so much about myself over the year, but more importantly, I healed the parts of me that needed healing. The wounds were so deep that the therapy wasn’t even touching it. I thought I was getting better. Turned out I was masking the issues, kidding myself that all was well when it clearly wasn’t.”
“And you were cutting while we were together?”
“A little, but nothing much. I had it under control until that day. The therapists at the retreat said I was still grieving hard for my parents and grandma, and you moving away. I just couldn’t handle it.”
“I wasn’t moving away. We’d talked about it.”
“I know, but when my mind fixates on something, it’s hard to believe the truth staring you in the face. I’m an overthinker, and I’d already had you moving down to London and replacing me.”
“I would never have done that. You and I, we were good together, weren’t we?” I balled my fists.
“Yeah, we were, but I was playing a part. Fuck, that’s not the right way to put it. I was pretending to be okay with everything when, in fact, I was anything but.”
“So, what we had was a sham. Nothing real, because that’s not how I saw it, Harv. Fuck, I loved you, man.” Shit, my throat was killing me now but how could he say that?
“And I loved you, too. That’s not what I’m saying. I loved you too much. I got attached too quickly. It’s what I do, or what I did. I read more into everything you said and did. Put two and two together and came up with five. I jumped to all the wrong conclusions.”
“You could have talked to me. I would have listened, Harvey.”
He sighed and closed his eyes. “I didn’t know how to. You forget I hadn’t had much interaction with people, men especially. Other than Ed at work, I didn’t know how to speak to them. I had to learn with you.”
This wasn’t making much sense, or was it? Was he saying he wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship?
“I thought I was ready, and I wasn’t.”
Exactly what I’d suspected.
“So, then what?” I still wasn’t done with him.
“I moved back to England. Sold the house and bought a place just over the water from here. I’ve been there for two years. I have a job working in a tearoom, and I have a cat called Jasper.”
“No boyfriend?”
“Nope. There’s been no one else. No one after you.” He dropped his gaze to his lap.
“Who were you with last night?” Not that I was jealous.
“That was Chris. He’s a good friend.”
The old Harvey didn’t have friends, scared of people seeing the real him, or that was how I saw it, anyway. I’d been the only one he’d let in, but now I was wondering if he’d let me in at all.
“So, you don’t live in Liverpool?”
“No. We’d been for some food, then a show. We were on our way to his place. I crashed there for the night and caught the early train to my place this morning.”
He was rambling now, but he’d spoken more today than I think I’d ever heard him speak.
“There’s really nothing more to tell. I can only apologise again. What have you been up to?”
Was I ready to accept his explanations and apologies? I didn’t have much of a choice, but time was ticking on and who knew if I’d see him again.