I was happy; that was true at least, but it didn’t mean I didn’t have regrets.
For the first twelve months after my attempt, I’d locked myself away in a safe space to heal. No outside contact with the world, just me and my healing.
Five days after the attempt to take my life, I’d travelled with Julie to the retreat in Ireland. The place was on the west coast, close to Galway, surrounded by green fields and overlooking the sea.
It had been the therapy my heart needed. I grieved properly for my parents and my grandma, for the loss of my childhood, and everything else that had contributed to my breakdown.
I returned a year later to England a changed man, surer of where my life was headed. I sold the house and moved to a picturesque place called Parkgate, not a million miles from Liverpool and Chester. It was where my mother had come from.
It was like home, and the views across the Dee Estuary were fabulous in the summer. I’d sit for hours outside, drawing the wildlife and the views, almost as if this was what my life was meant to be.
My only regret was Killian.
“I’m more than happy. I have a beautiful home, a job I enjoy, and friends like you. But can we move it along? It’s fucking freezing out here.”
We laughed and ran the rest of the way to Chris’s flat, slipping and sliding as we went. I was staying over after seeing a show in the city. The food and company had been great. By the time we arrived at his place, we were out of breath.
“Jesus, I need to hit the gym,” he said.
“Don’t; it’s full of torture machines, or it was the last time I went to one.”
Not that I didn’t keep fit. I ran and went to a local yoga class each week. Exercise was good for the mind, as Julie always reminded me.
Tingles spread through my fingers as the warmth finally reached them.
“We should go to bed. I’ve got an early train tomorrow, and I don’t want to miss work.”
“Yeah. I really enjoyed tonight, though. The food was amazing. We should do it again soon.”
“Definitely.” I headed to my room. “Goodnight, Chris. Thanks for being such a great friend.”
“Hey, it’s no problem. You know that.”
I closed the door and leant against it.
Wow, I hadn’t expected to see Killian tonight. I never expected to see him again. I’d purposely not looked to see how he was doing, unwilling to face the fact that he would have moved on from me. I couldn’t blame him. I’d cut all ties with him for both our sakes. The way I was back then, I’d have only brought him down with me, and that wouldn’t have been fair, not when he was embarking on his own new beginning. That was why I’d wanted to speak to him, tell him I did it for his own good and mine.
So much for trying to sleep. I lay awake all night, tossing and turning. I’d stayed here a bunch of times, but never once had I noticed how noisy it was. The tick of the clock, the hum of the fridge, the sound of gulls in the early hours of the morning.
I tried putting the pillow over my head, plugged my ears with my fingers, but nothing helped, and by the time the first shaft of light came through the window, I was already up and dressed.
I left a note for Chris on the table and quietly let myself out.
The city was just coming alive. Commuters running for trains. It reminded me so much of my former life, stuck in the metal tube, the joy slowly leaching from my life. I looked around at everyone else. They had the same miserable look I used to have.
God, I was glad I gave it up, even if in doing that, I’d contributed to my downfall.
One by one, the carriage emptied until by the time I got to the other side of the river, it was just me and an older lady.
“Pity the poor souls that do that every day,” she said with a smile. “Makes me happy to be retired.”
I nodded. “I know what you mean. Giving up the rat race to live a simpler life was the best thing I ever did.”
“Life is for living. Grab it by the balls and show it what you’ve got.” She stood and swayed as the train came to a halt. “Have a good day,” she said and got off, leaving me alone with the empty seats and stale smell of bodies and piss.
Some things never changed.
The walk back to my house was brisk. The temperature had dropped overnight, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it snowed.