I gazed at my hand and saw the faint scar where I’d burnt myself that first meal he’d cooked for me. I rubbed at it, memories flooding my mind. How he’d panicked and then, later that evening, he’d relaxed, and we’d talked for ages. Of course, that was the night on the landing. I’d never forget the look of wonder and panic on his face.
All reminders of a time long ago. Well, three years, but it seemed like a lifetime ago.
The guy on the TV made everything look easy. I’d never learned. I ate out most of the time or lived on takeaways. Life on the road didn’t always lend itself to a regular diet.
Fuck, I was tired, but I needed to shower. I still wore makeup, and my hair was full of product. I’d have serious regrets in the morning if I didn’t do it now.
I drained my mug, turned off the TV, and was about to head to the bathroom when my phone pinged with a notification.
It could only be Duncan; my friend circle was almost non-existent.
Duncan: Here’s the number. I know you threw it away, but I have a feeling you’ll regret it. At least talk to him and see what he has to say. It’ll put your mind at rest, and you can move on.
Why say one word when twenty would do? That was Duncan, always with full punctuation, too.
Beneath it was a photograph of a piece of paper with a mobile number written on it. There was no misreading the numbers, but Harvey had always been precise. His artwork attested to that.
My finger hovered over the delete button. Should I? Maybe Duncan was right, and I needed to put this part of my life in a box and file it away as resolved.
It had never been that; questions over why had always bugged me.
Regardless, I wouldn’t be calling tonight, and maybe not tomorrow either.
No, I’d sit with it a while, let the notion settle. I had questions. Lots of them, but would I like the answers?
That was the million-dollar question.
Chapter 26
Harvey
“So, that was Killian, eh?” Chris asked as we walked home. In a fit of boldness, I’d left my number with security and asked them to pass it on to him, but the way I’d treated him, I wouldn’t have blamed him if he threw it away.
“Yeah, that was Killian.” He looked different. Stockier with shorter hair, better clothes.
“Do you think he’ll call?”
“Who knows? I have so much to tell him, so much to apologise for. I was fucking mean to him after, you know…”
“That was to be expected, though. It wasn’t his fault, but you’ve said yourself that your relationship with him was what tipped the scale.”
Had we met at a different time in my life, things could have been so different. Instead, he’d caught me when I was still finding myself, still mourning after all those years. Jacking inmy job hadn’t helped matters. Isolation from society had me overthinking every action.
And then, when it seemed to go well, Killian got the offer, and it looked like my life would change again. Fear of abandonment had been the catalyst and set me on a path I regretted.
I shook myself from the thoughts I hadn’t had for two years. I wouldn’t allow myself to go back there. That led to disaster, but I had enough skills now to spot when things were spiralling and do something about it.
Chris slipped his arm into mine again. I’d known him for about twelve months now. He was a good friend, but that was all he’d ever be. We were too alike to be anything more, and I’d also sworn off men forever, preferring to live my life on my terms.
We continued to walk in silence. He was used to my moods and knew when I needed space. A heavy frost was forming, shining like glitter on the pavement.
It reminded me so much of my time with Killian.
“What are you thinking about?” Chris could never be quiet for long.
“Killian, the weather, my life.”
“But you’re happy now, right?”