What would I do if it were all to end?
I’d experienced abandonment before, and alone in my house, I wasn’t sure I could face it again. Killian wouldn’t want me hanging around him when success came calling. He’d find someone else who better fit his image. I wasn’t it. I should end it now before my heart hurt any more than it did already. Before the inevitable crash, but it was too late for that. I’d already fallen for him.
Look at me now, standing naked in a hot, steamy bathroom, contemplating my life choices.
This wouldn’t do. I hadn’t fought to get this far, battled with my inner demons and won, only to have them take over my life again.
I dressed quickly, found my phone, and fired off a quick text.
Harvey: How long are you in London for?
To my surprise, he messaged straight back.
Killian: A few more days. Why?
Harvey: I could get on the next train. Come to you.
The dots bounced, then disappeared, then started again.
Killian: That’d be fantastic, Harv, but I have a lot of meetings and dinners.
My heart sank. Of course he did. Why did I think he’d have time?
The phone rang. It was him.
“Hey, Harv. I’d love for you to come down to me in London, but I’m not sure I’ll have a minute to myself. I’d hate for you to come down here just to sit in a hotel room and wait for me.”
A lump formed in my throat, and not for the first time since he’d gone away, I fought tears. I’d put my heart out there, only for it to be trampled on. That fucking hurt more than I could articulate.
“I’m sorry. I just thought...”
Just thought what? That he’d have time for you? Fucking loser.
I should have known better.
“Harv? Are you still there?”
A single tear ran down my cheek. “Yeah. I’m still here. Seriously, it’s fine. Let me know when you’re on your way back.
But it wasn’t fine, and this was how it would always go. It wasn’t his fault, nor was it mine.
Circumstances had thrown us together. Maybe another time, things would have been different, but I knew deep inside that this could and would never work.
“I promise I will, but Harv, talk to me.”
And say what? I’ve fallen in love with you, and I don’t know how to handle it?I would never be his priority, not now that fame was knocking on his door. He’d waited his whole life for this, and I wouldn’t be the one to stand in his way. This was how it always ended.
The itching began again, only this time, I welcomed it with open arms.
“I’ll see you when you get back. Go smash it, Killian.” I hesitated. Dare I say the words I’d been thinking about for days? Did he sense my mood? Detect the melancholy in my voice?
“Look, you could come down if you wanted to. I just didn’t want you sitting around waiting for me. It wouldn’t be fair to you. I’ll be back in a day or so, and we’ll do something nice. Sully paid me a chunk of money, so we could go to a fancy restaurant, eat good food, and drink champagne.”
“I don’t drink, remember? I thought you’d stopped.”
“Eh, one glass won’t hurt now and again, Harv. We’re celebrating.”
I remembered when we’d first celebrated. That time, it had been sparkling water.