“Are you sure? I guess I could go first thing in the morning. Stay here with you tonight.”
“It’s fine. I’ll be okay.” Except I knew I wouldn’t be. He didn’t want to stay; I could tell by the way he was dragging on his clothes.
“I should be back in a few days.” He kissed me again. “Please, don’t worry.”
Except I would. Every single minute of every single day.
Chapter 22
Harvey
For the next couple of days, we spoke on the phone. Killian said the manager was great and he couldn’t wait to get started. Things were finally coming together.
This wasn’t how I envisioned things going. We’d only just begun to know each other, and now, we were miles apart.
I checked my phone every couple of minutes to see if he’d called or texted, only for my heart to sink when there was nothing. I pulled his number up more than once, my finger hovering over the green call button, but what was the point?
I knew he was busy and, well, I wasn’t.
I’d given up my job, fed up with the daily commute and the unfulfilling work. I hadn’t even said goodbye; I just didn’t bother turning up. They’d easily find a replacement. The job I’d done wasn’t that difficult. Hell, I did it, so it couldn’t have been.
But it left me at a loose end every day of the week. At least when I had a job, I had purpose, a reason to get out of bed. Now, I stayed there until I felt like getting out of bed, but it waslater each day. My brain liked order and disliked chaos, and right then, things were chaotic.
I finally rolled out of bed at eleven, made coffee, and sat at my computer, wondering what the hell to do today.
My session with Julie wasn’t until tomorrow. Killian was down in London. Maybe I should draw, but even that didn’t appeal. All my gaming friends wouldn’t be around until later tonight.
For the first time in a while, my skin itched. I’d been so wrapped up in Killian that the thoughts had slipped into the background, but now, with nothing to do, one by one, they slowly resurfaced.
What you do is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself.
I rubbed my arms, but that wasn’t helping, so I scratched hard, red welts forming where my nails had been.
No, I had to stop. I’d made too much progress to falter now, but still, the itching spread to my back and torso.
You know what to do.
Except I didn’t want to. I jumped off the chair and ran to the shower, turning the water as hot as I could, hot enough to hurt. It was better than the itching that called to me.
I stood for as long as I could before stepping out. I was so hot, like needles sticking in my skin.
I wiped the condensation from the mirror and looked at my face, now red and blotchy. I’d filled out, my face less gaunt than it’d been in previous months.
I couldn’t believe the difference since meeting Killian. He’d brought a light into my life that hadn’t been there for months. No, years. Yet those damn voices persisted now no one was here to tame them.
Was I willing to jeopardise what we had?
What do you have, loser?
No, we had something. I knew we did. Whatever it was had charged through my life like a runaway freight train, sweeping me along to an unknown destination.
It had been scary at first until we’d settled into a comfortable rhythm. Meals out, late-night phone calls, regular texts, affection.
I didn’t begrudge him this shot at fame. Fuck, he deserved it, but I couldn’t help but think about where this would leave me.
Call me selfish, but weren’t we all like that to a certain extent?
I wanted it for him, but I deserved something, too. I just didn’t know what. I’d lived so long in the shadows, lived with nothing to look forward to, and then he’d come along with his effortless grace, good looks, and eyes that shone with excitement.