“Why do we do this?” Seth whispered. “Why do I put myself through this? You know how I feel about you.” His honesty cut into my heart, but what could I say? I didn’t know why we kept doing this, only that we did.
“I’m sorry I don’t have an answer for you.” I reached for his hand but pulled back at the last minute.
“We’ve been through a lot, but I think it’s time to call it a day. I’ll still be your friend, but I realised on the way over here that I’m relying on you to bring me happiness when I should make my own.”
“I never promised you anything, Seth, but you were there when I needed you. I’m grateful.”
“But that’s all you’ll ever be. You don’t love me, and I need someone who will. I want to be with you, but not at the expense of me. I’ll never be good enough. I’m not what you’re looking for.”
He was right. He wasn’t what I wanted, but when he offered, I was helpless to say no to him.
“You’ve been my friend forever. I’ve taken advantage.” I rubbed a hand through my hair. Why the fuck did I do that?
“I’ve used you, too, selfishly thinking that if I could keep you happy, you’d stay with me, but you’re not happy at all. What is it? You can tell me.”
What could I tell him? I didn’t fancy him and had only used him to keep myself grounded. That’d go down well.
I shook my head. I had no explanation to give. “I don’t know what I want,” I said honestly. “I’ve no fucking clue what I want in this world, Seth.”
“Only that it’s not me.” He put his mug on the coffee table. “This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come.”
“No, please. You should have.” And there I went again, appeasing him. He shouldn’t have come. I should have said no. I should have called it a day, but I was a fucking coward and wouldn’t entertain hurting him again.
“We know this was a mistake.” His tear-filled eyes stared back at me.
“It wasn’t always,” I whispered.
“Maybe not, but it is now.” His smile was rueful, and it was then I realised I’d pushed him away for the last time. I’d lost the only friend I had, and it was all my fault.
He walked towards the door but stopped. “Do something with your life, Killian. You could be famous, have everything you want, but you have to stop destroying yourself.”
He was right. I’d got off the pills and the drugs, but the booze was another matter. I still chased the high, just a different one.
I knew this was the right thing for him to do. I could have been selfish and called him back, but it wouldn’t have been fair to him or me. This break had been a long time coming.
“Goodbye, Kill.”
The door closed quietly behind him, and he was gone. Would I see him again? Who knew?
I walked back over to the sink and grabbed the bottle from the cupboard. I slumped on the sofa, not bothering with a glass, and took a long swig from the bottle. Used to the burn as it slid down my throat, I continued to drink until it was empty. Fuck. Now what could I drink?
Seth’s words ran through my head. I was destroying myself. I knew that, but what did I have to live for?
I had no money. I lived in a hovel. Most of my family had disowned me. Leaving Ireland wasn’t really by choice. I’d escaped with the clothes on my back and barely anything else, and if it hadn’t been for Seth, I’d have died on the drug-filled streets. I owed my life to him, but this was how I treated him. He’d been right to walk out. I owed him everything but gave him nothing.
I woke sometime later, hugging the empty bottle. My head was thick from the alcohol. I didn’t often get drunk and rarely suffered a hangover because I was so used to drinking, but today, I couldn’t ignore it.
Maybe it was my talk with Seth, but whatever it was, I was sluggish. I sat up, and my head spun. Groggily, I got to my feet and made my way to the bathroom. I gazed around as I pissed, noting the dirty shower curtain, the dead plants, and the black mould creeping eerily up the walls.
What the actual fuckwasI doing?
I stumbled to the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed, face first, my arms outstretched. I had another gig later, and I should have showered, but sleep pulled me under. It was another two hours before I woke.
Shit. Now I was going to be fucking late.
I showered quickly, then brushed and tied my hair. It’d have to do. I’d run out of time. I threw on a shirt and a pair of dark jeans and dashed out the door.
Fortunately, the bar wasn’t far, and I arrived just in time, slightly out of breath.