“Hey, I could have walked away. I didn’t, and I’m glad. It was fucking hot, but we should get cleaned up. You said you had an early start tomorrow.”
“Erm, yeah. I do.” I’d never seen him so unsure.
“Killian.”
“Yes.”
“Please don’t worry. I’ll be fine.” I couldn’t know that either way, but he seemed to need the reassurance more than I did. “Bathroom’s right there.”
I stepped back into my bedroom and shut the door.
Fuck. I had a fistful of cold sperm now and nowhere to put it. I shucked off my trousers and found a box of tissues, grabbing a handful and wiping myself down. Once Killian finished, I’d do a better job of it, but for now, I waited.
I gazed at my reflection in the mirror. What did Killian see in me? I was ordinary, nothing special, but he’d taken me under his wing and decided I was his friend.
I couldn’t for the life of me think why. I was miserable. Definitely not a joy to be with most of the time, but we’d had a good night, hadn’t we? He appeared to enjoy himself, and I’d loved having someone to talk to other than the three urns that sat in the cupboard in the dining room.
I knew that was probably unhealthy, but I didn’t know what else to do with them. Yes, I could scatter them or have them buried, but it was easier to tuck them away, along with my memories.
A knock on the door startled me. “I’m done with the bathroom. Thanks, Harvey.” I heard the door to the spare room close and dared to open mine.
The landing was in complete darkness. There was one time I swore there was a ghostly figure walking down the stairs notlong after Grandma had died. Strangely enough, it had brought me comfort more than anything else, and I longed to see it again. I never had.
How we’d all lived in this house, I didn’t know. The tiny bathroom barely had enough room for a bath, and I’d had it removed to be replaced by a shower. It was the only change I’d made, but when did I ever take a bath? A shower was more practical, and it gave some much-needed space. I wet a flannel and wiped myself down, my wiry pubes now damp.
I recalled Killian’s and how dark and unkempt they were. I know some men shaved, but I never saw the point. No one had ever seen them, but maybe that would change?
Fuck, Harvey. Get a grip. It was a one-off and unlikely to happen again.
Did I want it to? I don’t even know what had come over me… no pun intended, and I was pretty sure Killian regretted it the minute he’d finished.
I dried off and switched off the light. I crept back to my room and closed the door quietly. My bed was calling. I pulled back the covers and, for the first time in a while, I slid beneath them naked, the sheets soft against my skin.
Would I ever know what it’d be like to have another man next to me, cocooned in a warm embrace? Unlikely, and certainly not with Killian. We were just friends, nothing more.
But did friends do what we’d done? I guessed no, but it was a one-off, a random act that neither of us had planned. Even now, I couldn’t understand how we’d got there, but it was what it was.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then another and another. I couldn’t change what had happened, but I could change the outcome.
The following morning, the house was quiet. Not a sound from the spare room nor the kitchen. Was he still here? He said he had an early start, and it was now almost nine a.m.
What the fuck? I never slept this long. Even on weekends, I was awake around seven-thirty. I threw on some clean pants and a long-sleeved shirt and made my way downstairs.
There on the old wooden unit was a note. I snatched it up and read it.
Had to leave early, but I’ll be in touch. Hope you’re okay. K
I turned it over. No, that was it, nothing more.
And then the fear took hold. The icy fist of dread that clutched at my heart. What if I’d scared him off? What if he wasn’t ready for my kind of crazy? He’d think I was too much, the same as everyone else did. I was overbearing, too clingy. It was why I was a loner.
It was why I’d never got close to people. My earlier toxic trait had always been to cling to people who showed me any attention. I’d learnt from this and never got attached to anyone if I could help it, but Killian had drawn me in. We’d confided in each other. Surely, that counted for something. He’d seemed concerned last night, but that had probably worn off, and he couldn’t wait to get out of here this morning, escape from me and my issues.
I was a loser; always had been and always would be. It was better this way. This way, I wouldn’t have to deal with the issues of abandonment I’d suffered since losing everyone I loved.
This way, I could live my own solitary life.
This way… I would die alone.