So, I cut. Sometimes so deep that I didn’t think the steady flow of blood would ever stop. It was then that I experienced theeuphoria, as if I were floating, looking down on my body lying on the floor. Had I died, then? Who knew?
Not that anyone would notice if I disappeared off the face of the earth. I had no friends other than Ed at work, if you could even call him that.
I lived a sorrowful existence, but at least I lived, for what it was worth.
The movie didn’t start until later, so for the rest of the day, I pottered around in the house. I cleaned and tidied the kitchen, mopped the floor, and changed my bed. At least it took my mind off the man who had almost caused my downfall.
I stopped at the cafe I frequented and ordered my usual toastie and tea. One thing I’d never done after losing so many people was drink. I didn’t like the taste for a start, or at least I hadn’t found one I liked. I stuck to soft drinks and hot beverages. That suited me fine.
I hurried to the cinema, took my seat, turned off my phone, and for the next two and a half hours, lost myself in a world of make-believe, where everyone had a happy ever after. That was the dream, wasn’t it? To find a partner, settle down, and have a family. The perfect house with the white picket fence. Two point four children and the obligatory pet.
Except I knew my life would never be that. Sad, but true There’d be no partner, and definitely no kids. They said only the good die young, but I wasn’t good. How could I be with the thoughts I had?
I was a man who loved men. I didn’t fit in, didn’t conform. Or that was how I saw it, anyway. I knew men could marry, even adopt kids, but it wasn’t something I envisioned in my future.
But good fortune only ever happened in the romance books Grandma had read, and in the movies I immersed myself in. Movies were where love always won. But there were no gay love stories.
This time around, the movie wasn’t as good as I’d hoped. The joy I’d longed to find on the silver screen was nowhere to be found, and I left feeling disappointed.
I wandered out into the darkness where, unlike yesterday, a chill filled the air. The bite of cooler weather now took hold, and I pulled my collar up, my hands dug deep into my pockets. It’d be even colder soon, and maybe we’d even get snow this year, but it was too soon to tell.
I put my head down and walked, startled by the sound of a door bursting open and raucous laughter leaching out into the dimly lit street along with a handful of people.
I looked up at the cacophony and shrank back behind a tree. My heart thudded in my chest, and for a moment, time stood still.
There was Killian, a small blond man clasping his hand. They laughed, carefree and smiling. I spied on them from my position and watched as he pinned the smaller man against the wall, their lips fused.
I could hear the groan from where I stood, sense the urgency in their embrace, see the fumbling of hands as they pawed at each other.
My limbs froze. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the scene unfolding before me. My breath quickened and, despite the cold, I became hot under the collar. They broke apart and continued down the street, Killian’s arm around the other guy’s shoulder.
They looked happy, and nobody took any notice. No one pointed a finger, no one judged, so why did I?
Feeling daring, I followed at a safe distance, staying hidden in the shadows. I couldn’t let them see me, or else it’d be game over. But where were they going?
I trailed them for five minutes and was about to give up and head home when they stopped outside another building. Red brick with blacked-out windows, and black double glass doorsled inside. They were swiftly opened by a huge man dressed in a suit. He said something to Killian, bringing a smile to his face. I licked my lips, an unconscious reaction to the beautiful man before me, and I wished for the briefest of moments that the blond man was me.
But why would Killian, or any man for that matter, be interested in me? More to the point, what would I do about it if they were?
I knew I should go home, but curiosity or stupidity got the best of me, and I approached the door, sure I’d be turned away.
“Good evening, sir.” The man opened the door, and with trepidation, I stepped inside. A set of carpeted stairs led upwards, and I climbed them, aware Killian might spot me at any moment.
Not that he’d remember me anyway.
“Check your coat, sir?” A young man beamed at me, his smile bright.
I shook my head. I didn’t plan on being there long. In fact, I didn’t even know why I’d entered the club in the first place.
“No worries. Enjoy your evening.”
I walked down a corridor, the distant sound of music coming from another set of doors at the end.
I took a breath, braced myself, and opened them. I wasn’t prepared for the thud of bass assaulting my ears. Fuck, that was loud. It vibrated in my chest, pulsing in time to the beat, and it took me a while to adjust. I should have left, but something stopped me, and it wasn’t the notion of finding Killian.
As my eyes became used to the subdued lighting, I was transfixed by the scene playing out before me. Sweat-drenched male bodies writhed on the dance floor, some fully clothed, others topless. My pulse raced, and a trickle of sweat dripped down my face. The room was hot and humid, and the stench of aftershave and body odour overpowered me.
Rooted to the spot, never in my life had I seen anything like this before. I gazed around me and finally took in the rest of my surroundings.