The thought was selfish. I couldn’t give Cedric what he wanted, and standing in the way of his happiness was unkind. I had to ask myself why I was acting so cruel to such a sweet man. He had done nothing but help me since we were introduced. Since when had I become so uncaring of others?
A rough hand landed on my shoulder, the grip tight enough to force me to comply when Bren said, “Come with me, Orthorr. I believe it is time to talk.” He gave me no choice on the matter, waving away Tavik and Saneth, who stood outside the receiving tent waiting for me. “Go away. He does not need an escort between our clans, and we will be sharing a drink. Go back to your duties.”
The couple shared a look, uncertain about whether or not to listen to their elder, but Bren’s next warning got them moving. “Go, or I will tell both your parents you are hoping for children.”
Tavik looked horrified, shaking his head rapidly, and Saneth was already pushing him back toward our clan before he could speak a word in reply. Those two weren’t interested in becoming parents. They wanted only each other. There was nothing wrong with this, but if their parents thought they might change their minds, they would pester them incessantly until they managed to convince them Bren was lying. And the parents were more likely to believe their clan leader than their wayward sons.
Ducking into Bren’s tent, I sat at the table in the middle, rolling my shoulder as the stiffness from before made itself known again. It had felt better after Cedric’s attentions, but the ache had come back a few days later, and I couldn’t rid myself of the pain on my own. I didn’t want to draw the worry of the healers by asking for their help, and I couldn’t make myself ask Cedric again. It had led him to the wrong idea last time. And I wasn’t sure I could resist his siren’s call if I got that close to him again.
Guilt settled heavily in my gut, and I tossed back the ale Bren set in front of me before he could fully sit down. His eyebrows jumped up, and he poured me another before demanding, “What is on your mind, Orthorr? Something bothers you.”
“It’s nothing,” I argued, giving my focus to my cup instead. Perhaps the answers were in the bottom if I just kept drinking.
Bren made a thoughtful hum, studying me closely. I could feel his eyes on the side of my face, even while I avoided his gaze. Bren had known me for a long time. He was there when I took over as the clan leader for the Northern Clan. So while it annoyed me, it didn’t surprise me when he seemed to figure out what bothered me without me speaking a word of it to him.
“It’s one of the new arrivals, isn’t it? Has someone caught your eye?”
I shot him a glare, my words tight with guilt and self hatred. “I found my bondmate. You know this.”
He took a sip of his ale, lifting a shoulder carelessly. “I do. We were all sad at her passing. But she’s been gone many years, Orthorr. It isn’t wrong to move on.”
“It is!” I bellowed, unjustly angry at my friend thanks to the conflicted feelings in my heart. “I promised her I would not take another. She was it for me. I dishonor her by even thinking of another in such a way.”
He scoffed. “You did no such thing. I knew Tessa well. If you told her you would never move on from her, she would have argued with you. She would not have wanted you to live the rest of your life alone.”
I scowled at him. While she had technically been asleep when I made the promise, it didn’t make a difference. When I bonded to her, I told Tessa she was the only woman I would ever love. I would not dishonor her memory by allowing myself to be swayed by another.
Bren sighed, the noise holding a tinge of exasperation. “Sometimes I forget how headstrong you are. Drink more. We are not done with this conversation until I understand better. If you were so determined, you would not be so upset right now.”
He poured me another cup, and I drank it willingly, still frustrated with myself. “I am upset because I was cruel to him. I knew his story, he has lived his whole life without that kind of attention, and yet I made him think he could possibly have that with me.”
Bren straightened from where he was pouring himself another cup. “Hold on. Him?”
I made a face but didn’t comment. Cedric’s gender wasn’t so important to me. It was his energy, the sweetness in him, that drew me to him.
The ale was strong, and I felt my tongue loosen and my body relax. My shoulder still ached, though. Only Cedric’s touch seemed to help.
“He’s such a sweet man. Kind to his core and helpful. He plays with me, doesn’t coddle me, and teases like we are equals. Friends. I did not wish to lose our friendship. I should have been kinder.”
“And how will you feel when he finds another?”
The question made me scowl, and I tossed back the rest of my drink, demanding more. The idea of someone else receiving Cedric’s sweet words and playfulness annoyed me. I wanted his attention only on me.
Bren pointed at me as though I said the words out loud. “See? You want more than friendship with him. It is written all over your face.”
Baring my teeth, I growled at him, “I do not. I cannot. I found my bondmate. She is gone.”
It still hurt to say out loud, even so many years later. Tessa had been my perfect match. A lot like Cedric in some ways. Sweet and caring, but with a bite to her that always made me smile. She took my warriors to task when they upset her, and they loved her for it. The whole clan loved her. I was wrong to think of anyone else after loving her.
CHAPTER SEVEN
ORTHORR
The alcohol in my system made getting back to my tent a task. I was grateful Bren had sent Tavik and Saneth away, or they would have coddled me the whole night for drinking in excess, and I likely would have more in my tent in the morning trying to care for me. I crept to my tent, trying not to draw attention to myself as I stumbled a few times, and eyed the receiving tent where the townsfolk slept for a long moment. It was right next to mine. How close was Cedric’s bed to my own? Was it wrong to wish to go to his tent instead and join him? I hadn’t held someone while sleeping in a long time.
Alcohol made the thought less daunting, but I still hated myself for thinking it. I forced myself into my tent, managing to strip from my clothes and crawl into bed with a groan. Perhaps I would see Ambrose in the morning about my shoulder. He wouldn’t tell anyone else. Right?
I fell into a fitful sleep, my emotions too turbulent to truly give myself rest. When I opened my eyes and found myself in a familiar dreamscape, I sighed in relief. The memory wasbittersweet, but perhaps it was for the best. To remind myself of what I had, and the promise I made to her before she passed.