Maybe he should have seen it coming. People didn’t keep him. They never had.
Pain rippled again, and he couldn’t hold back the shout as it exploded from him. “Fuck!”
He shouldn’t have trusted letting people in. He would have thought he’d learned that lesson already. Elijah, his person when he was a kid, pushed him away because Wash was too protective. Too violent. His parents hadn’t even wanted him in the first place. They’d gotten pregnant because his dad had a vision that they’d give birth to Elijah. Twins hadn’t been part of their plan. They hadn’t exactly been loving to Elijah either, they did just enough to avoid being considered neglectful, but at least they’d helped him. Trained him when his magic came in. Wash was an afterthought. A mistake. He wasn’t wanted.
Something cold like ice filled his chest, spreading through his body until he swore he could see his breath like people did when they first went outside in the cold winter air. His movements slowed, and he sank to his knees, staring out the window like somehow he’d find an answer on what to do next. Because even with all the pain and anguish swirling through his chest, he still wanted to go back. Wanted to find Peri and hold him. He was Wash’s light. He made the room feel warm. And without him, Wash wasn’t sure he’d ever feel warm again.
He wasn’t sure how long he stayed in that position. Long enough for the sun to go down and the room to go dark. He might not have moved from that position at all if someone hadn’t knocked on his door. A pathetic hope lit in his chest that it was Peri coming to see him, and he scrambled to his feet, wincing at the stiffness in his joints from remaining motionless for so long.
He stumbled toward the door, ripping it open with Peri’s name on his lips, only to stop himself when he realized who was standing there.
“Elijah?”
His brother was alone, which was rare these days, his expression worried as he took Wash in. “Hey… Can I come in?”
A part of him wanted to say no. He narrowed his eyes, studying his brother's face a little closer. “Taron didn't send you, did he?”
Tipping his head, Elijah answered honestly, “Not technically. He told me what happened and that he was worried about you, but he didn’t ask me to come here. That was my decision to make.”
Grudgingly, he accepted that, stepping back to let Elijah in. He followed his brother to the living room, not bothering to turn on the light as he moved to sit by the window again. Elijah turned on a light in the kitchen so the light wasn’t bright enough to irritate him, but gave his brother enough visibility to move around without risking hurting himself.
“How’d you find me? You’ve never been here before.”
“Ah, um…” Elijah cleared his throat, his expression apologetic as he replied, “I have access to personnel files. I snuck a peek into yours to get your address.”
“Isn’t that against the rules?” he asked, though he didn’t really care. He was too cold. He felt like he couldn’t care about anything anymore.
Elijah nodded, coming to stand near the window at Wash’s side. “Technically, yes. I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t tell on me, though. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“Would you be?” he shot back, then grimaced. This was why he’d left. He didn’t trust himself to be kind right now. It was better if everyone just left him alone.
Sinking into a squat with his arms around his knees, Elijah acknowledged, “No. And you have every right to be hurt. I guess I just thought if it were me, I wouldn’t want to have to face it all alone. You’re my brother. I’d want you there.”
The thought hurt, and Wash pulled away from him, glaring. “You’ve never wanted me there before. You’re only saying that in some misguided attempt to make me feel better. It won’t work, Elijah. And if you’re just going to lie, you should go. I’m not in the mood to be placated.”
Before he could storm away, a blast of telepathic energy hit him hard enough to make his breath catch. His gaze whipped back to Elijah, who scowled at him. “I understand you’re hurt, Wash, but it’s not fair to take it out on me. I’m not lying to you. I’ve wanted to be closer to you for a while now. I miss my brother. And I won’t let you put words into my mouth when I’m only trying to help you.”
For a moment, Wash was too stunned to speak. Elijah had never pushed back, not like that. He’d certainly never used his magic on Wash to get him to listen. It wasn’t that strong, Elijah obviously hadn’t used a lot, but it gave him a hint of the power his brother had been hiding. Maybe he wasn’t as helpless as Wash had feared after all.
Elijah’s determination never wavered, and Wash eventually relented, turning to face the window again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m probably not good company right now, though, so it might be better if you go.”
“If that’s what you really want, I’ll respect your boundaries. But if you want someone to talk to, I need you to know I’m here. I know we haven’t been close since we were kids, and when things are better, I’d like to change that, but for now, I want you to know I’m here for you.”
Wash didn’t reply. He wasn’t sure what to say to that. He didn’t have the emotional capacity to dig into what happenedbetween him and Elijah. Not when it felt like his heart was missing.
Elijah didn’t push a second time, standing to give Wash the space he asked for. He stopped long enough to pat him on the shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly, and before he could get too far, Wash caught his arm, his glare locked on the window.
“You can read people. You’ve met him. Was any of it real?” he croaked. He couldn’t look at his brother when he asked. He was afraid to see the truth on his face. But he needed to know anyway.
“I can answer that question, but until you’re ready to let me in, I don’t think you’d be receptive to the answer.”
That sounded like something their father would say. It was cryptic and didn’t make any sense, and it got Wash to look away from the window, shooting a confused glance at his brother. “What?”
With a sigh, Elijah explained, “I’ve learned in the past few months that keeping people at a distance only makes things harder. You miss out on the connections right in front of your face if you always have your walls up and your head down. You’ve been doing that your whole life. I can tell you how much people love you and care about you, but they’re just words. If you truly want to know the answer, you have to let me show you.”
He hated that he was right. Even if Elijah told him Peri was sincere, he’d have a hard time believing it. A lifetime of rejection didn’t open him up to the idea that someone could actually care. He knew what Elijah was asking of him. He was asking for Wash to let him not just into his head but into his circle. To be there for him. To risk being rejected again.
“What if I can’t?”