But I’d known that all along. Shiloh was too good, too beautiful, toowholefor someone like me—shattered into pieces until there was hardly anything left but this shit apartment, school (when I wasn’t suspended), and odd jobs that didn’t make a future.I hung out at the beach at night drinking beer, and I walked around town until my old boots were full of holes, for what? To make up for a day ten years ago that could not be given back.
Shiloh had plans and dreams.Shehad a future. What did she need with pieces of me?
The next morning, after waking with screams in my throat and the futon sheets soaked with sweat, I dragged myself into the shower again. To get ready for school.
Because I’m trying, Mom. It’s pointless and stupid, but I’m still trying.
I threw on my jacket and was nearly at the door when a knock came. Maryann was there looking unsure and nervous. Not herself. She was dressed for work in a plain brown skirt with a blazer that more or less matched.
“Hi, Ronan, glad I caught you… Oh, but you’re heading to school, right? I don’t want you to be late.”
“It’s fine,” I snapped, last night’s anger and failure still bitter in my mouth. I exhaled. “Everything okay?”
“We can talk about it later. This afternoon.”
I could see whatever she had to say would kill her to keep inside until this afternoon. I opened the door wider and stepped back to let her in.
“Okay, yeah, I should stop acting like a chickenshit and just come out with it.” She huffed a breath and thrust a small envelope at me. “This month’s rent.”
“Oh, right.” I’d forgotten it was the first already, which meant a trip to Nelson’s after school.
“It’s short a couple hundred bucks,” Maryann said in a rush. “I’ll have it later, but I don’t have it now.” Her eyes fell shut. “I’m sorry. I don’t know—”
“Hi, Ronan!”
Cami and Lily rushed in, and both wrapped their arms around me. They were dressed in matching denim skirt overalls, Lily with a yellow shirt, Cami in blue.
“Today is picture day at school!” Lily said.
“Mommy says we’re not allowed to touch anything,” Cami added. “So we don’t mess up our clothes, but that’s the whole reason for overalls.”
Their mom looked sheepish. “I didn’t plan this. A cute offensive.”
“It’s okay,” I said, feeling a little lighter with the girls running around my nearly empty living area.
“It’snotokay.” Maryann blinked back frustrated tears. “God, I hate this.”
“Hate what, Mommy?” Cami asked.
“Being in traffic?” Lily turned to me confidentially. “Mommy says a lot of bad words when we’re in traffic.”
“That’s a pretty necklace, Ronan!” Cami exclaimed. “Let me see.”
She tugged my hand until I squatted down, and then she and Lily took turns examining the pendant Shiloh had given me. Hadmadefor me.
“It’s so pretty!”
“And pointy. Where did you get it?”
“A friend made it for me.”
“Really? That makes me love it more!” Lily said. “Do you love it?”
Fuck.
“I…like it a lot.”
“Okay, girls, we’re going to make Ronan late,” Maryann said, the worry lines rushing back in to crease her face. “Your uncle?”