I threw open the door. A square of light from the house fell over him, illuminating his face that was hard and angry. His dark hair was plastered down over his forehead and cheeks.
“What are you doing here?”
“Are you all right?” he demanded.
“Of course I am. What—”
“Good.” He practically spat the word, then turned to go. He took two steps and whirled around, whipping wet hair out of his eyes. “I mean…what the fuck, Shiloh?”
I recoiled, crossed my arms over my chest. “I stayed home for a few days.”
“You can’t answer a damn text?”
“My phone was off. I was trying to rest. So you show up at my house and… What are you doing here?”
“Nothing. Making sure you’re okay.”
I hugged myself tighter, scared of how badly I wanted to throw myself into his arms. The fear put ugly things in my mouth to push him away.
“Why? What is your crazy obsession with me? Being safe? From whom? What the hell do you think is going to happen?”
“I don’t know,” he said, frustrated. “I… Fucking hell. Never mind. Forget it.”
“We are not together. You don’t want to be seen with me.”
“I know what I said, but—”
“And I told you, I don’t have anything to give. We set up…rules. You can’t just come here and break them.”
“And you can’t just fucking disappear!” he shouted, making me flinch. His gray eyes shone silver in the rain and moonlight. Like steel. “You can tell me to fuck off, but you can’t justvanish.”
The hurt behind the anger was palpable, slamming into my chest and sinking into my heart that was already bruised and bleeding from my mother’s visit.
We stood in silence, the rain smattering the pavement the only sound. He carved a hand through his drenched hair. His stormy expression softened, his eyes trailing over my face.
“Shiloh…”
I shook my head, unwilling to break. I didn’t know how to break down in front of him. I had no idea what would happen if I did.
He nodded, resigned, and turned and walked away. The words to call him back stuck in my mouth, Mama’s warning whispering in my ear.
I watched him go until the dark swallowed him up, and then I went back inside and shut the door.
EighteenRonan
“Fuck.”
I slammed the door to my apartment shut and tore off my jacket that was drenched from the sudden, cold rain.
“Fuck.”
The look on Shiloh’s face when she answered her door was going to stick with me for a long time. Part shock, part anger, part fuckingfear.
She thinks you’re a psycho.
I went to the bathroom to shower and warm up, and the reflection in the mirror agreed. Hair sodden, eyes hooded and ringed with dark circles from so many sleepless nights. So many tired hours spent walking away from nightmares that came anyway when I finally collapsed into bed.
“She’s better off,” I told the reflection.