“Your lack of status wasn’t an issue when we lived at Docendum. Why should it be now?”
I huffed. “It was very much an issue at Docendum.” As it was now. My gown—the best in my wardrobe—was not only plain compared to the rest of the women’s at court, after the last hour it was rumpled and spotted with ointment.
Ronan looked upward, affecting contemplation. “I don’t recall kissing anyone of higher status while at Docendum.”
“As Lady Edith has told me, there’s a difference between the sort of woman a man kisses and the sort he introduces to his friends.”
“You can’t be upset that I didn’t introduce you to my friends at Docendum. Everyone already knew who you were. Besides, the other apprentices weren’t really friends. A better categorization would be rivals, bullies, and annoyances.”
He was skirting the real issue. I wouldn’t let him brush off my complaint. “You kissed me, but you never saw a future for us together. Lady Edith calls gentleman of that nature cads.”
Ronan made a coughing sound in the back of his throat. “The issue wasn’t your low station. The issue was that I was to becomea wizard.” He stopped walking altogether and turned to me, causing our arms to unlink. “Wolfson was a swine, but he was also right that to have a wife or family is to put them in danger. I didn’t want to do that to you anymore. You’d endured enough at his hands.”
Ronan made the decision sound so straightforward and sensible. A noble gesture. He’d broken my heart and counted it as a virtue. I planted my hands on my hips. “Shouldn’t you have given me some say in that matter? You wouldn’t even speak to me.”
“I didn’t give you a say in the matter because I knew you wouldn’t act with any degree of self-preservation. Just as I knew that once we parted, you’d form other attachments quickly enough. Your beauty and wit would see to that.” He swept a hand in my direction, offering me as proof of his statement. “I was right about that, wasn’t I?”
“You weren’t.” Mage Saxeus thought servants were interchangeable. Ronan apparently thought the same of love. I lowered my voice to a whisper, suddenly worried someone might overhear. “How could I form other attachments when I no longer trusted men? If I’d so misjudged the one who’d been my closest companion, how could I ever have confidence in a man whom I know to a lesser degree? I no longer want attachments.” Somewhere in that sentence I’d stopped talking about myself in the past and admitted I still couldn’t trust men. I turned and continued down the hallway, stomping as I walked rather than gliding like a highborn lady.
Ronan caught up to me but didn’t offer his arm. “If you’ve given up on men, why did you go to the trouble to come to court?”
He had me there. I couldn’t tell the truth about my reasons. All I could do was shrug. “Lady Edith wanted to come.”
“Surely she wouldn’t force you into a marriage you didn’t approve of?”
Another shrug. “Love and marriage are different matters.”
He shook his head at me. “You who were so idealistic—have you really become so callous?”
The accusation was too much. “A strange criticism from a wizard.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“One has to be callous to be a wizard. Callous and many other things.”
His lips twitched in annoyance. “I won’t ask for that list as I’m sure I wouldn’t find it flattering.” We were nearly to the dining room. The smell of savory meat drifted out into the hallway. Ronan’s pace slowed again. “What was the message your maid meant to deliver to me?”
The message. I still hadn’t thought of anything plausible. I’d been too distracted by Ronan’s presence.
He watched me, waiting for a reply. I had to give him an answer or he’d suspect my story was a lie.
I gazed behind him at a tapestry that hung on the wall—a hunting scene with men on horseback and a fox woven into the trees, forever just out of their reach. Ronan used to be able to read me so well, I worried if he peered into my eyes, he’d at once see through my excuse. “I wished for a private audience with you.”
“Like the one you’ve just had?” he asked with confusion. I’d made no request of him during our walk, brought up no subject that wasn’t natural to the conversation. “What did you wish to say to me?”
The subject needed more stalling. I looked around for servants. Down the hallway, a maid was carrying a tray to the dining room. I nodded toward her. “A corridor isn’t the privacy I’d imagined for our conversation.”
He gave a slight bow of deference. “Very well.” He took hold of my arm and steered me away from the dining hall. “We can go to one of the gardens.”
I glanced over my shoulder at the door. If we went in to supper, I’d have more time to think of a reason for a private meeting. My feet slowed. “I don’t wish for you to go hungry. It’s nothing so urgent.”
“I’ll have a servant bring something to my room later.”
“I thought you said missing supper would be a dishonor to His Majesty.”
Ronan continued to guide me down the hallway toward the door to the courtyard. “If a private meeting was important enough that your lady’s maid risked her life to deliver your message, I would be doing a disservice to make you wait any further. His Majesty will have to understand.”
Was he teasing me? Did he know I was lying? I couldn’t let him suspect Gwenyth had carried no letter.