She breathed evenly while lying on her back, her hand open beside her on the pillow with her lips slightly parted.
The sudden urge to press his lips against hers overcame him, but he resisted with all his might and opened the door. Out in the hallway, he hesitated for just a moment before shaking his head and walking down the hallway.
The house was quiet, except for a few servants who had begun to start their day. So quiet in fact, that he was surprised to see his mother in the parlor as she sat in her rocking chair in front of the fire. A simple cushion lay on her lap as she stitched a few flowers into the fabric.
“You are up early,” she said quietly after looking up from her work.
“I have an early meeting with Mr. Blake. We are to discuss the finances going forward now that we have Lily’s dowry.” He explained as he came into the parlor. “We are to meet at the club. I have never been fond of White’s, but I guess that will be my lot in life now, and I should get used to it.”
“Is Lily up as well?” His mother asked almost disinterestedly as she returned to her work.
“Not yet, I think we had better allow her to sleep in this morning. She was not herself last night when we returned home. Or at least, I think she was not herself. She was different from how I have come to know her over the past few weeks.”
A gentle smile graced his mother’s lips as she smiled. “Give her time. I am not surprised that she was a little unsettled. She finds herself in a foreign country, married to a man she has only just met. It cannot be easy.” She rocked rhythmically back and forth, using her feet to keep the momentum going.
Taking a moment to sit, Julian ran his hands through his uncombed hair. It was starting to get unruly again, but he never liked having it chopped short.
“Is something bothering you?” His mother sighed again as she placed the pillow on her lap and looked up.
“You know me so well. I guess I have been wondering if I have done the right thing. In marrying Lily, that is…” He allowed his voice to trail off as he stared into the crackling fire. There was always something about the parlor when his mother was sewing.
He had spent many hours as a child at her feet, and the feeling of safety had continued into his adult life. He could always tell her whatever was on his mind when they were in the parlor with the crackling fire.
She stopped rocking and titled he head to the side as she looked at him. “Why would you think it was a mistake?”
Julian shrugged as he drew his lower lip between his teeth. “I am not afraid that it was a mistake for me, but that it was for her. What if I am unable to make her happy? We entered the marriage knowing what we were getting into, but now I am wondering if she does not deserve more.”
“Then give it to her,” her mother said simply.
“It is not as easy as that,” he leaned forward in his seat and clutched the edge of the chair until his knuckles turned white.
“Is it not? Or are you just making things more difficult than they need to be because of your own reservations?” She raised her eyebrows in question and began to rock again as she picked her pillow back up and began to stitch.
Staring into the fire, Julian pondered her words for a moment before answering. “I do not think that she wants me to love her; she only agreed to the marriage because her mother wanted her to find a husband.”
“Then you have nothing to worry about.” His mother began to hum before pausing again. “But will that be enough for you? It is only too easy to fall in love with a woman like Lily. She is kind, intelligent, funny, thoughtful, caring, and not to mention, beautiful and graceful. I think you are more concerned about falling in love with her, rather than her wanting you to. If you would just…”
Julian stood, cutting his mother short. “Please do not mention what happened again. I have asked you before and will remind you that I have vowed never to speak on the matter.”
His mother sighed heavily and shook her head. “Julian, Julian, Julian, I hate to say it, but this decision you have made to never even mention your hurt will not bode well. You must speak of it at some stage, even if it is just to tell your wife.
It is not serving you to keep it hidden in the dark. Bring it into the light and allow it to be washed clean. Lily might just be the one to heal your heart. I will not mention what happened, or speak her name, but I strongly suggest that you do.”
“I must leave if I am to gather my documents before the meeting,” Julian said and turned from his mother, not wanting to face the truth of just how badly his past had shaped and scarred him in equal measures.
Calling after him, his mother’s voice faded into the background. “At least consider what I am saying, it is for your own good!”
He picked up the pace on the way to his study as his anger grew. He had spent years trying to forget what had happened with the woman he had been engaged to, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never forget how painful it had been when things had ended.
He had convinced himself that he had been in love, but the pain that had followed that decision had haunted him for the years to come.
Entering his study, he walked over to the window and leaned on his arm as he stared out at the rising sun. The birds were singing in the trees as servants began to appear, readying themselves for the day’s tasks. It would have been the perfect morning if it had not been for the nagging question in the back of his mind.
Would it even be possible for him to ever love again if he gave it half a chance?
Never.
His heart hardened as he turned toward his desk and focused his thoughts on the meeting that lay ahead. He had taken a wife to save his family, but he would never be able to love her, no matter how much he felt himself being drawn toward her.